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Chilean /Steady Grades; Personal life&Aspirations - Biography(SCHOLARSHIP)


bizkitgirlzc 29 / 2  
Sep 29, 2007   #1
Hi, this my essay for a scholarship the essay prompt is the following:

We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow? (800 word limit) *

Can someone help me revise it grammatically or how I can answer the question better?
____________________________________________________________ _______________

My father hates his job. He's always hated his job. Maybe that's why I take it so seriously when my dad tells me, "Study my girl or you'll end up like me, cleaning toilets."

When I was a kid I wasn't precisely aware of how unusual my parent's pairing was. I was much older when I realized it wasn't ordinary. The incongruity of it often became both a blessing and a curse in my life. My parents who are both Chilean and both the same age really wouldn't have a problem if it weren't for one thing ï their occupational background. My father who worked in housekeeping in a run down hospital had married my mother who worked in the ever prestigious Columbia University as a Radiation Safety Officer.

You see, from my mother's perspective of the world I got to see all the wonderful things about life and the academics. It was from her that I learned to love science, to love learning. From my father, I learned that the world could be an unjust place where money was what really mattered in getting what you wanted. So while, I grew up in, what I believed as, an ideal balance of the world, I eventually realized I was living within a conflicted reality.

As a child, their fights often went unnoticed by me, but as I entered high school, I realized the severity of their arguments. That it affected my school work is to say the least. I'd go to my room trying to block their shouts to no avail. Their spars often consisted of cruel words blaming one or the other for our financial dilemma. My father blaming my mother for not studying further when he brought her over to the US; how it was her fault he wearied himself out physically at work. She'd blame him for not having any friends because she couldn't invite them over out of fear that he'd blurt out something embarrassing. They'd often bring me into their problems as a buffer of sorts. Unfortunately, I was absorbing the negative energy from both sides.

My grades were steady for the most part even though in high school I felt them become less consistent as my parents' quarrels intensified. Pressured from both sides, I was told to study not only something I wanted but something that made money as well. I felt supremely troubled because I realized that in my life money was a big problem even if my mother worked at a prestigious institution. My mother would say, "Sadly, we don't eat off of Columbia's prestige." My education simply meant dollar signs in their minds.

But I studied because I wanted to, not because I planned on making millions one day, even though I'm sure that's what my father had in mind. Hating his own occupation, he often projected his own dreams onto me. He'd pressure me into doing things I had no real interest in, like taking piano for example. I didn't enjoy playing it but every time I mentioned possibly dropping it, my dad would say, "Then you'll probably drop your studies, too." I did drop piano, but not my studies like my father had predicted.

I may have disliked piano, but I loved knowledge. When I entered high school, I fell in love with the social sciences and the arts ï subjects which weren't really taken seriously at home. As I took more honors and advance placement classes, I realized that when I went to college, I wanted to study something interdisciplinary, something that combined my love for the physical sciences and the liberal arts. I choose anthropology.

Of course when I told my parents, my father was the first one to jump up and say how I wasn't going to eat off of ancient bones. I thought I had only two choices ï I studied what I wanted or I starved. But I realized that I didn't have to choose. I saw this at the American Museum of Natural History, where I decided to take on an Internship in anthropology. I met people who were young filled with life and who enjoyed their jobs and weren't starving. They had pursuit their passion and still worked with decent salaries.

The reason my parents weren't happy with their lives was because it functioned solely on the basis of money. They didn't enjoy other simple things in life; they didn't have hobbies, or any outside interests. They were parasites who were leeching off each other and off of me for contentment.

But I've decided to overcome these "trifles" and move on. I'm sticking to my decision because anthropology is my passion and if I put myself to it I know will succeed. And money won't get in my way.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Sep 30, 2007   #2
Greetings!

You've written an excellent essay! I have just a few editing suggestions:

"Study my girl, or you'll end up like me, cleaning toilets."

how unusual my parents' pairing was.

My father, who worked in housekeeping in a run down hospital,

So, while I grew up in what I believed was an ideal balance of the world, I eventually realized I was living within a conflicted reality.

As a child, I often didn't notice their fights

how it was her fault he wore himself out physically at work.

I met people who were young, filled with life, and who enjoyed their jobs and weren't starving.

I thought I had only two choices - I studied what I wanted or I starved. But I realized that I didn't have to choose. - This ("I didn't have to choose") makes it sound like you could choose to both study what you wanted and to starve. Actually, the two choices--"I studied what I wanted or I starved"--don't really make sense. Shouldn't that be "I thought if I studied what I wanted, I would starve"?

You've obviously overcome some difficulties to get where you are. Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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