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brsn 1 / -  
Jan 22, 2021   #1
Hello everyone. I am going to apply for Australia Awards Scholarship.
The last year, I applied for Australia Awards Scholarship with the essay below, but NO success.
This year, I am planning to apply again, and would like to revise my essays.
Before rewriting my essays, I need to know where I made a mistake, and how I should improve it.

I would really appreciate if you review my essay.
Thanks in advance.


(2000 characters maximum)

I am aiming to serve as a bridge to bring Mongolian business owners to the global market. This aim led me to embark on a career as a foreign relations manager at an education consulting agency. During my employment at consulting agency for over 2 years, I worked with many Mongolian youth who want to study abroad. Similarly, I have also consulted some small and medium enterprises that plan to sell their goods and service in overseas markets. However, I have noticed that lack of knowledge in laws relating to international trade and shipping is their main obstacles to enter a foreign market. Although I have improved my skills necessary for international business while working as a foreign relations manager, I observed that strengthening my skills in the areas where enterprises face obstacles most, would play a vital role in achieving my aim to make my contribution to export performance of Mongolia. This encouraged me to pursue the Master of International Trade and Development.

I have decided to study at University of Adelaide because the structure of their proposed course best suit my needs in comparison with the similar courses offered by other institutions. In order to successfully export goods and service across international borders, I am required to improve my research skill and strengthen my skills in devising an analytical and effective business strategy on a particular market in compliance with trade law and regulations. I expect to improve these skills through the courses such as "International trade law", "International trade: strategies & opportunities", and "Research methods in international trade".

In addition, the Institute for International Trade at University of Adelaide has a skilled staff and a vast network of associate experts with backgrounds in international trade. They conduct extensive trade-related research in both academic and applied settings. This means professors participate actively in their field and keep their knowledge up-to-date.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,317 3351  
Jan 22, 2021   #2
Never revise your essays for a new application. Never reuse old essays. Never edit it. Never think that you can fool the reviewer into thinking that your old essays have been improved enough to qualify you this time around. They will know. They will be reviewing your old file since you are a second chance applicant. Write new essays for the scholarship application. These new essays must reflect how your circumstances, skills, or potential have changed or improved since you last applied. Qualify yourself by increasing your potential this time around. You can mention your previous application, but then explain how your situation has been altered for the better since then. Aim for a different university this time, or a different career path. Change the foundation of your application this time around to better your chances.
Jibolar 2 / 3 1  
Jan 30, 2021   #3
Great write up. I will only like to make some recommendations. I can notice that most of the problem you aim to solve by pursuing this course comes from your observation and what you noticed. I will advice, it shouldn't be on what you noticed. You can use statistics from a research outlining the problem of the business in your country. I believe that is more convincing than just what you observed. Thanks and Good luck
d2ny 12 / 40  
Feb 7, 2021   #4
I believe that in OASIS you have to choose two universities instead of just one. Many awardees suggest that you should talk about both instead of just one in this essay. Good luck for your application.

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