Please tell me if there's anything wrong in what I've written or if I need to add something to make it sound better.
Do comment on it!
Q. How did you choose the proposed course and institution?
Ans.
I chose to study Bachelors in Architectural Design due to reasons I have acquired in my life. Growing up, I never thought of doing anything in the engineering design field but I liked mathematics in school and I had a hobby in sketching. Like most sketch artists I filled drawing pads with island landscapes, endangered species and nature.
In Fiji, being brought up in a family without brothers; the older sisters play two roles in the household so after my father's passing away; I had do the masculine chores as well. Although this was hard to bear I experienced challenges in life, learnt how to overcome them and became very independent. I first gained interest in house plans while looking through my mothers' landscape magazines and books; it gave me a sensation to plan and design structures. Later in high school I took up Technical Drawing because I was eager to enhance my skills in drawing. However, it was unusual to see females doing a male subject in school, but I was not going to let sexism keep me from doing what I loved to do. I learnt more on building and designing and was introduced to architecture. I began viewing latest architecture in the world, learning that as technology advanced so did the world of engineering; and I wanted to be part of it.
On the verge of finishing high school, I decided that I wanted to earn a career as an architect. Unfortunately in Fiji, local universities did not offer courses for Bachelors in Architecture; it was only available abroad. I looked through universities in developed neighboring countries and according to my findings, Australia has some of the best universities offering architecture courses and it is a country advanced in engineering. I applied to a few universities, specifically University of Adelaide, Griffith University and University of Queensland.
I was happy to receive an offer letter from Griffith University to study architecture at their institution as an international student. I visited their website and was engrossed in the learning environment, the guaranteed student services and compliments of current international students. I would have gladly accepted the offer to study at Griffith but since my family faced few financial problems, I was not granted the financial support I needed.
I still want to further my studies in architecture and I would take any chance on an opportunity to achieve this.
Hi Meyani, as I read your essay, I must say, you spent too much time, well in this case, space, in your essay about your family background. It may seem necessary to have this information in the essay, however, you need to understand that the more you prolong the essay, it will be less interesting to the reader or the admission examiner.
Moreover, I understand that the information you have in your essay should not just be about your academic achievements but also about your family background, however, the focus of your essay seemed to be leaning more on the negative financial challenge that you have, this may be part of the essay but not essential.
In doing your revision, because you need to, make sure that you keep the focus on your academic aspiration, the family situation should serve as a background and as a background only. The majority of the essay should be on the academic goals.
I hope this insights help!!!
Thanks heaps @justivy03! Re-editing essay, right now...
Hi Meyani, thank you for appreciating our work here in EF, I hope you will have a revision soon and while you're at it, I have a few more suggestions that might help in creating a much better essay.
- mind the spelling of course, the construction of your sentences, make sure that the sentences you incorporate in your essay means what you have in mind
- keep the essay focused on the purpose of the essay, make sure that it is through and through, the moment you loose the focus it might go crumbling and you will not be able to manage to put it back together.
Lastly, put your heart in all you do, this may seem to be just writing but it is you who writes it and thats what the readers see as well.
Best of luck to you Meyani, I hope to see your revision very soon.
