I'm applying for Chevening Scholarship. So please give me feedback for my Leadership and Influence Question. Thanks a lot.
Leadership and Influence Question
My ability to interact with and influence my surroundings to persuade them to participate in the work in order to achieve their goals and contribute to the development of society is the indicator and realistic evidence that I am a true and successful leader.
As a practitioner of Taekwondo since the age of six years and as a national team player holds a black belt, and after I became an important name in sport, For a period of time since 2012, I have supervised training a group of young people and pushing them to advance and believe in themselves to be important players in the future. There were some players who sometimes missed training and felt hopeless and bored at other times, and in order to urge them to give their best, I used my story: How I started from a young age and put an effort into training and that sometimes I was training alone until I became what I am now, To avoid getting bored and distracting from their goal, I was organizing some fun activities to keep them entertained and reward them for every development they make. Hence, thanks to my supervision of them, I consider myself succeeded in making them prominent elements representing the club and the national team in national and international forums. Some of them have now become coaches in this sport, who supervise many individuals and pass on their experiences and what they have learned.
As a civil engineer in the health sector since 2016, I have participated with a team of engineers in leaving our mark by providing integrated engineering studies and supervising the maintenance and construction of health facilities. Also, in 2020, with the beginning of the Covid 19 epidemic, I was in a meeting and suggested to the administration to equip a quarantine center near the hospital, especially since the only center in the city is located in the countryside. This idea was well received by the administration, and based on this, I was assigned to submit a study for the maintenance of one of the centers affiliated with the Ministry of Education. so and after agreement with them, I was assigned to head the supervision of all works, and from here I started working with some engineers from another institution and with us a group of workers. Indeed, we started maintenance work and were able, during a week of intense work around the clock, to deliver the center to be ready for use. This work contributed to preparing a place to be a quarantine center located in the heart of the city and relieves pressure on the hospital and has a beautiful location on the sea that helps those who come to it to spend the quarantine period without feeling bored or upset.
These practical experiences of me as a leader greatly affected my personality as it gave me the confidence to be an influential factor capable of helping others and the community to the utmost of my potential.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 The first presentation in the essay is too long. It is difficult to follow, too wordy, and takes to long to get to the point. Break it up into smaller pieces. Shorter to mid-length sentences should help you better explain your idea of leadership as you believe you embody it.
The reviewer isn't interested that you started Taekwondo at the age of 6. He is even less interested in your black belt. That is not related to the professional discussion at hand. Either rephrase that to instantly show your leadership in a competitive context instead of as a teacher. As a teacher, these students do not have any choice but to follow your orders. However, if you show leadership that has an end result, such as winning a team competition, then your leadership in relation to the sport makes more sense. Without that representation, the information does nothing to properly inform the reviewer. There is no real leadership ability provided.
For the professional aspect explain several things:
1. The company you are attached to
2. Your position title
3. The problem that existed
4. Why you were given a chance to lead the problem solving group
5. How you actually led the group, it is too vague at the moment.
6. The end result
Your overall essay is highly confusing to read. I do not know if it is because you are not a proficient English speaker, or, if it because you are trying to make a minor role sound like a leadership role. Yes, the latter is what the reviewer will assume upon completely reading this essay. It is not strongly portraying a serious leadership and influencing quality in your. The overall essay is not strong. It is not impressive enough. It lacks a proper explanation of a notable leadership event in your professional career. As for your development as a leader, there is no cohesive connection between your Taekwondo experience and your professional life.
This is a draft that is badly in need of revision. I hope that you can focus on writing a more relevant leadership and influencing essay based on these observations.
