I was wondering if anybody could give me feedback on my essay. Its due tomorrow and I just want to see if there are any minor issues that I can fix up.
At Lowe's, we believe that helping to build our communities is just as important as helping our customers build their homes. How have you helped to build your community? What lasting improvements have you made that you are proud of?
Growing up within my community, I have seen that with a little work and determination anybody can cast a lasting positive effect on their community. Additionally, I have witnessed how cheerful and prolific a community becomes when people come together for a positive cause and do something aimed towards constructive deployment. Most of my attempts to build my community have involved cleaning up local parks and volunteering at my local daycare for low-income families. By performing these services, I have built on my community by creating beautiful outdoor settings and aiding the lives of little children and contributing to their positive growth.
One of my most proudest services to my community was during the summer of 2010. I was involved in a college-prep program called Liberty Leads and resided in Fordham University's campus for four weeks. One of the main goals of the program was to show us that even in college, it is essential to make attempts to give back to the community whenever possible. As a result, the program coordinator gathered all the students for a clean-up service at a park near the Fordham University campus. While walking to the park location, I was thrilled at the idea of cleaning up a park so that it could be presentable to the people in the community. However, when I reached the park, I was utterly shocked at its condition. Garbage plagued the area and weeds seemed to suffocate the trees and drain the aesthetic beauty out of the park. Seeing the park's current condition made me believe that it would be nearly impossible to clean the majority of the park in one day. To maximize cleaning efforts people were separated into different areas and were assigned to do different jobs, such as pulling out weeds and picking up trash. As time passed, I noticed how the park gradually regained back its vibrancy and liveliness. I could not believe that such a large park could have been so greatly improved in just a few hours. That day proved to me that a little work from a group of people can indeed go a long way.
The lasting improvements I made on that park made me proud because I initially did not believe my work would be worth much. However, at the end of the day I noticed that my work was capable of transforming an entire park and creating a beautiful setting for other people in the community to admire. After that experience, I made more efforts to help my community and perform additional clean-up service for other parks. Specifically, I volunteered to clean trash, plant new trees, and clear walking paths for passengers at Pelham Bay Park. Overall, I am extremely proud of the lasting improvements I have made by cleaning up numerous parks in my community. The beautiful scenery from these parks always serves as reminder of the beneficial progress and visual improvements I have made for my community.
Growing up within my community , I have seen that with a little work and determination anybody can cast a lasting positive effect on their community.
.... I feel it reads better without that phrase
Additionally, I have witnessed how cheerful and prolific a community becomes when people come together for a positive cause and do something aimed towards constructive deployment.
It is also important for a community to come together in common issues and the work toghether in finding positive solutions.Most of my attempts to build my community have involved cleaning up local parks and volunteering at my local daycare for low-income families. By performing these services, I have built on my community by creating beautiful outdoor settings and aiding the lives of little children and contributing to their positive growth.
... my local daycare? do you own it?
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i]Believing in this, I had myself extensively involved with beautifying our environment by organizing (I'm not sure, but guessed) and taking part in cleaning campains of local parks and volunteering at the local daycare for low-income families.[/i]