College prompt for the scholarhip essay on my proudest achievements happened so far

** This is a scholarship prompt but I didn't have enough words, and I have a limit of 200 words**

Tell us about one of your proudest achievements or moments and what it says about you

One of my proudest achievements happened after I left. In the HOSA (Health Occupations Students of America) chapter, I was vice-president and had won an award from a blood bank that we worked closely with. Some people texted me expecting me to be upset, knowing that I was the leader of all of our blood drives, and did a lot to get people in our community to donate. In all honesty, I was, but I remember that there was a much bigger goal. Three people are saved for every liter donated, and knowing that our efforts to save lives were worth achievement is enough for me. I couldn't have done it all on my own, and I am proud of the chapter as a whole. To me, this achievement is a note of my dedication to a common goal, my leadership in maintaining efficiency, and my responsibility to serve my community.

Left what? Home? School? An organization? This sentence should set up the whole statement instead, it confuses the reader as to what you are referencing.

The overall essay is confusing the read. First you got the award then you were upset? The information is being presented in reverse. The writer needs to start at the beginning, move to the middle, then end it:

What were you a member of?
What activity was most memorable?
Why was this difficult to complete?
What was the awarding criteria?
Why were you specifically chosen for the award?
Why do you feel proud of receiving this award?

Another problem with this accomplishment is that you did admit you could not have accomplished these things alone and yet, you were the only one that got the award. I believe you should rethink this accomplishment. The reviewers are looking for personal awards and achievements, not shared credit recognition.