Any comments or revisions would be great. Thanks!
Prompt: We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow? (800 word limit)
I have something to tell you about what I've learned and where I've come from. I come from all over. I come from California, New York, Pennsylvania, North Carolina, and Arizona. I plan to come from many more places. Each place I come from has taught me many lessons. Lessons about myself, others, and the world. I plan to apply these lessons and the ones will I will learn in the future to accomplish my dreams.
I spent a lot of my childhood in the northeastern United States. Here I was given the opportunity, at a young age, to discover my own mind and develop my personality. My mother, sister, and I lived with my grandparents in a suburb of Philadelphia. My mother worked in the city, keeping her away except in the early mornings. Our relationship become distant and it has developed as sister-brother relationship ever since. My dad has always lived a few states nearby but he has a second family and with it more responsibilities. These circumstances have allowed me to grow and look beyond my four walls. In Pennsylvania I developed a very negative relationship with my grandmother, that sometimes resulted in violence on her end. From this I learned to do the opposite of everything she did. Where she was often loud and abrasive, I became calm and passive. I learned to sit quietly and observe everything that was going on around me. The world became interesting and exciting. I developed a strong displeasure in sleeping and instead explored my house at night, until my mom came home and ushered me to bed. I lived here and in New York until my mom met my step-father, Scott, and decided to move to where he lived in North Carolina.
My move to North Carolina, which I had expected to be an adventure, became a test of my sanity. My step-father was seven years younger then my mom, only twenty-four, when he was suddenly dumped with the responsibility of being a dad. He tried, but his level of immaturity resulted in a parenting style similar to my grandmother's; aggressive and frustrating. I didn't understand his ideas or logic and felt I couldn't learn from him. So once again I became introverted at home, but unlike the Northeast I found at school that I couldn't connect or get-along with my peers. They revealed to me that I had a more feminine personality then the other boys and because of it I was often ostracized and teased. Unsure of how to deal with this stressful environment, I buried myself in schoolwork and nature; exploring the swamp which darted through parts of the surrounding countryside. I joined academic clubs and earned high grades finding joy in exercising and expanding my mind. In the swamps I developed a strong interest in biology and the various creatures crawling around. I found beauty in wildlife and the simplicity I saw it in and the swamp taught me to respect life and strive to help it. Despite the happiness I found in those instances, the emotional stress of that place was too much and we moved to Arizona, following my grandparents, to reestablish ourselves once again.
When I arrived in Arizona it was like stepping onto some unfamiliar rock, floating in a galaxy far from ours. Two things I immediately noticed: the dry, unforgiving heat and the lack of green... everywhere. It felt suffocating then, and even now it does but I've found other advantages to this place. I've found eccentric, intelligent peers that have stimulated my growth as a person. Through middle school and high school, I found a place where I could be accepted and loved for who I was despite my differences. I now feel comfortable with others and am ready to explore the world and meet more new people. Also, I've been given the opportunity through advanced courses and my admittance to University High School to continue challenging my mind. I've learned so much and discovered my passion to help others and go on into a medical profession. I especially wish to give aide to those who are unable to afford it. My concept of money has been skewed by my lack of it and I find it as a constant barrier in life. My step-dad was in a car accident shortly after we moved to Arizona and has been mostly unemployed since then and my father doesn't pay child support so the financial burden has always rested on my mom who has to support a family of five. So I've learned to live without money and have to come to find life and the preservation of it the foremost goal in my mind. I hope that, with a great college education, I can achieve this.
I have something to tell you about what I'vehave learned and where I'veHave come from. I come from all over. I come from California, New York, Pennsylvania, North Carolina, and Arizona. I plan to come from many more places. Each place I come from has taught me many lessons. Lessons about myself, others, and the world. I plan to apply these lessons and the ones will that I will learn in the future to accomplish my dreams.
I correct some of mistakes from paragraph 1. But there are more confusing words and sentences. If you rewrite this essay again, I'll help you once again.
I plan to come from many more places.
Ha ha, cool!!
Let's put these 2 together:
...many lessons -- about myself, others, and the world.
In Pennsylvania I developed a very negative relationship with my grandmother, that sometimes resulted in violence on her end.----- A negative relationship can mean that one thing decreases while another increases. Also, it might not be good to write in this way that presumes she was wrong and you were right. I think you might do better if you refer to "a particular person" rathe than saying it was your grandmother, but I'm not sure how to explain why!
:-)
