Commercial Law: How will my knowledge and skills to contribute to my country's development?

hey everyone, could you please give feedback on my essay?
I have exceeded the character limit so i need someone to help me rephrase or cut some sentence out. thank you!

MANAAKI NEW ZEALAND SCHOLARSHIPS

Firstly, I intend to use the skills and knowledge gained from my study programme to provide legal advice to the government by working in the government institution. Specifically on the legal framework for commerce system and issues so that the private, public, and foreign sector can easily understand and access it. This is especially important as in Timor-Leste, the legal framework and commerce system is not clear and practical.

Secondly, if I am not given the opportunity to work as a legal advisor in the government, I will establish an agency that focuses on commerce in general and commercial law to give advice to the government as well as the private and public sector about how to set up a legal framework and an effective commerce system through written letter or draft legislation.

Thirdly, if the two above-mentioned options are not available or if I choose to do something different, I will open a law firm and contribute as a private practitioner lawyer who deals with commerce issues to render professional consultation services. Furthermore, I can provide legal opinions and offer my help to the government to draft a commercial legislation.

Lastly, through online digital platforms, I will provide my opinions to the public by writing articles as well as start workshops and seminars to share the knowledge and skills I acquired to others.

Your response would be considered lacking in focus and relevant content. Consider what the question is asking, how will your knowledge and skills contribute? Therefore, a more appropriate response would be to allow the screener to become familiar with the problems that beset your country. For example, does your country have an SDG target that relates to commercial law? Even better, discuss the shortcomings of the commercial laws in existence in your country at the moment. Explain how experts such as yourself are required to fix these problems. When you complete your academic and its related practical training, how would this skill help you address these problems? The essay is more of a problem-solution response more than a future career path or plan representation. Consider the explanation I have just given you when you write the new version of the response. This current essay does not really align itself with the response expectations.

To be fair, you have not cited the relevant content in your essay. All you did was enact points with no relevant information, what is required of you is to mention how you intend to use commercial law to improve the situation in your country practically. Remember to be practical, and state the obvious problems you intend to solve and make sure you give correspondence to how you plan to solve them.

looks like you're just answering the question, not writing a discussion about it. You do not write structured articles, use spoken language with the address "I". If you are writing a writing essay, you will get a very low score with a long, loose presentation, narration.

thank you for the feedback!