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The Common App Essay - "A hero whose weapon is words."


LucyDocie 1 / 1  
Oct 19, 2018   #1
Please help me revise my essay. Thank you!

A hero whose weapon is words



"She has a good heart but she's a very unlucky child." - that is what the fortune teller said about me 17 years ago. I think she was right. Even though I might not be the luckiest child in the world, I do have a good heart, therefore I'm going to do what people with a good heart do: become a hero. A hero whose weapon is words. I'm going to be a journalist.

Every hero has a backstory, so do I. My family was not well-off; my parents had to work very hard only to put food on the table, maybe that is why we didn't talk much. This doesn't mean I didn't learn anything from them. When my father stopped and helped a man from a car accident, or when my mother gave a homeless man a meal, they taught me one of the most important values in life: compassion. Though while teaching me this fundamental of life, they forgot to teach me how to stand up for myself. That is why I was bullied at school, both physically and verbally. At that time, I believed what the fortune teller said was right - Lady Luck was obviously not on my side. The bullying stopped when I started middle school, but it had already left deep scars within me. I started questioning my abilities. "Do I speak broken English?", "Do my drawings look that bad?", "Is my vocal range not good enough for singing?", "I'm not going anywhere in life, am I?", thoughts like these were always on my mind.

As time went by, I learned that being unlucky actually helped me developed good habits. Seeing that I cannot guess what would be on the test, I will study everything. Knowing the chances are I could be caught in a traffic jam and be late for school, I always set my morning alarm 15 minutes earlier than it needed to be. Understanding that I do not know when will be my last time seeing my beloved ones, I try my best to be present during every moment I'm with them. With those good habits came my new perspective on life. I figured that since I surrounded myself with positive energy, I was able to overcome self-doubt. I'm no longer ashamed of my English because, throughout my two years in the United States as an exchange student, I never heard anyone laugh at my accent. I no longer question my art skills after seeing how my parents appreciate my paintings. I no longer dislike my singing voice considering the first song I wrote receive so much love. I'm proud of myself and how far I have come.

I didn't come this far just to come this far. It takes more than good habits and self-love to become a hero. What I also need is a journalism degree. There are still so many unheard voices in the world and only by being a journalist can I help them. Although I know how hard it is to get people to speak up because they may be too embarrassed, fearful, or traumatized, I want them to know that their stories can help thousands of others who are going through the same struggles. My job is not to give them a voice, because they already have one. My job is to make their voices heard and to carry their stories further than they can.

I've seen so much injustice and so much misery growing up in Vietnam, a third world country. That's why when I was little, I wished I could be a superhero with a superpower to fight bad guys. Now, with the same intention, I'm going to fulfill my dream of becoming a journalist with a good post-secondary education, a good heart (and of course, some bad luck).
nttv 1 / 2  
Oct 19, 2018   #2
Hi,

Correct me if I am wrong but I think "A hero whose weapon is words." is not a complete sentence. You probably want to use a dash to continue the idea in the previous sentence. "... become a hero - a hero whose ..."

Also, this sentence does not seem right to me: "Though while teaching me ..." Don't you think we need another clause to accompany the "though" clause? I suggest using words for contrasting relationship like however, despite that in the place of though.
OP LucyDocie 1 / 1  
Oct 19, 2018   #3
Hi,
Thank you so much! I'll fix that weird sentence "Though while...."


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