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My communication skills/ business skills; Scholarship Essay - Making Difference?


florida32 1 / -  
Jan 11, 2013   #1
HOW WILL YOU USE YOUR CAREER TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE AND IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF LIFE OFR UNDERSERVED, UNDER-RESOURCED POPULATIONS?200 WORDS OR LESS.

I will use my career in business to make a difference and improve the quality of life for underserved, under-resourced populations by making education a top priority for the kids of the future. As an advocate of education, the need our young people to be most successful and prosperous, the needs for having access of books and computers are in order to those who cannot afford any. Reading is a vital tool for one to become acquainted with today's world, and with my business experience I would open up foundations and organizations to help protect our future.

My will use my career in business to make a difference for the underserved populations by use my communication skills to work with other organizations to help bring up the urban communities. Being able to communicate with our young people from under-resourced populations is very crucial. This is not an easy task that can happen overnight, but to see progress consistency has to happen. Working with other businesses to open up learning centers and child development programs will help speed up the process for helping these kids reach their full potential. The fate of the kid's future is in our hands and it starts with giving them chances we might never have. With my business career I vow to help these children become the best and most successful individuals they can be.

thestarfus - / 4  
Jan 11, 2013   #2
Reading is a vital tool for one to become acquainted with today's world, and with my business experience I would open up foundations and organizations to help protect our future.

I feel you can break this sentence in two. It would sound less of a run-on.
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jan 13, 2013   #3
This essay means well but it's not going to get you where you want to go.

1. It doesn't say much about your subject that anyone else couldn't have said. In other words, it's not particularly original.

2. I see at least two cliches: "happen overnight" and "fate...is in our hands."

3 You tend to say the same things over and over. The essay is about 200 words long, but in terms of actual content it's a lot shorter. It's imperative that every sentence conveys a different thought and serves a different purpose.
MisuleCZE 1 / 5  
Jan 13, 2013   #4
I definitely agree with jkjeremy - if you have 200 words, make every single one count! You dont want to repeat yourself and talk about the same idea only in another words... I think you also have some mistakes in there:

My will use my career in business to make a difference for the underserved populations by use my communication skills to work with other organizations to help bring up the urban communities.

Did you mean I will use? Also I would not rewrite the whole prompt in the first sentence... They know what you are talking about.

Make the point of the whole sentence stronger!


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