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Community leadership involvement initative; voluntary attachment with a community information center


Nana Yaw Asante 3 / 5  
Oct 18, 2015   #1
Hi, please read my essay and tell me if it answers the prompt.
Describe the goal, your involvement and the outcome of one significant community leadership initiative in which you played a role

Aspiring to be a journalist, after my high school I had a voluntary attachment with a community information center where I brought into notice a broken-down foot bridge linking my community to the other. Upon persistent dissemination of information, it came to the notice of the District Chief Executive (DCE) who donated 20 bags of cement and other building materials in my care for the construction of that bridge.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 18, 2015   #2
Hey Nana, your response is quite good. However, it is also quite short. What is your word limit? Are you expected to only deliver a single paragraph statement and not a complete essay in response to the prompt? While your answers are informative, it doesn't really detail the movements and skills that were entailed in accomplishing your task.

If you are allowed to have at least 250 words in this essay, please consider further detailing your efforts at information dissemination and the eventual results of your actions. I am eager to find out what channels you had to go through in order to get the district officer to pay attention to the problem and, I'd like to know why you were chosen to take charge of the construction supplies. The outcome of your actions can't really be considered a complete statement at this point. You need to add information that will conclude the project.

For now, let me show you a more comprehensive way of presenting your information:

Aspiring to join the world of journalism after my high school graduation, I volunteered to become part of the staff of our community information center. It was here where I began to write articles related to a broken down bridge in my community that was meant to connect us with the next town. After I had written a number of articles about it, the news finally came to the attention of the District Chief Executive who decided to donate 20 bag of cement along with other building materials for the construction of the bridge. As a show of respect to me as the person who called his attention to the problem, he placed the care and administration of the supplies in my care.

There are still a number of information holes in this statement. I hope we will have the word count to be able to plug it in later on.
Connie31124 2 / 7 1  
Oct 18, 2015   #3
I read your essay and think it is a good paragraph but it can be longer with more detail added in.

MOD - Be more specific and add something useful - next such comment may give you a suspension..
Nana Asante - / 2  
Oct 19, 2015   #4
Thanks Vamgiespen for thereview. However the essay is a 100-word maximum so I would be glad if you could help me make it quite long to stay in the word limit.

Thanks
Nana Asante - / 2  
Oct 19, 2015   #5
Please kindly review my essay for me to stay in the 100-word limit.
Describe the goal, your involvement and the outcome of one significant community leadership initiative in which you played a role (100-word MAXIMUM

About a month for the 2014 batch Basic Education Certificate Examination candidates to write their examination, news came that teachers were on strike, this came to the students like a blow in the head. Since it was a month to their final exams, the senior class needed to be taught urgently and so were the junior class. However, I organized a few of the brilliant senior students in my community and we taught both the junior and senior class. We really made great impact in the lives of the students especially the senior class as they wrote the final exams and came out successfully.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 19, 2015   #6
My version comes in at under 100 words. I have 98 words in my version of your statement. I hope that you will use this as an example of how to write these sorts of statements in the future. Here is my version, based upon your original work:

I had dreams of becoming a journalist straight out of high school. That is why I volunteered my services at the community information center. I concentrated on bringing our broken down footbridge, the link between our town and the next, to the attention of the local government. My work finally landed on the desk of the District Chief Executive. Impressed by my tenacity, he donated 20 bags of cement and other construction materials for the repair of our bridge. He asked that I be placed in charge of the materials to make sure that the work got done.

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When you write statements like these, remember that the goal is to be as clear as possible using less than the maximum word count. This is a test that is supposed to prove your ability to express yourself in an understandable manner using the English language. So make sure to apply yourself and concentrate on what you want to say. Write several short versions until you get one that is under the word limit but understandable to most readers. You may need to have other people read your work in this case to make sure that the clarity of your story or response is there.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 19, 2015   #7
Emmanuel, I have come up with an 86 word sample for your use in revising your statement. I am not sure if you were part of the batch that was supposed to take the test or not so I worded it in such a way that your participation could have gone either way, as a test taker or as a person who already took the test before. You have enough word allowance left to make the necessary clarifications. if you opt not to use this version and come up with something totally new for yourself.

About a month before the 2014 Basic Education Certificate Examination, the teachers went on strike. The senior and junior classes were in the middle of exam preparations when this happened. I took it upon myself to reach out to the graduated senior students in the hopes that we could band together and help these students review for the test. The graduated seniors really made a positive impact on the lives of the students as their labor of love resulted in the 2014 batch passing the test.

Again, you don't always have to use the maximum word count. Just use enough words to prove that you can coherently express yourself in English. Make sure that your response is in accordance with the expectations of the instruction and use simple words to create your statement if need be. All that matters is that you get your response across in a manner that can be understood by anyone reading it.


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