Choose the community service activity that is most meaningful to you and describe how you and your community benefited from your involvement. max is 250 words. This is 263. So.. help me cut down on some stuff. Thanks!
People from all walks of life were affected by Hurricane Katrina in 2005. But as it claimed more than 1,800 lives of innocents, America only replied a positive outpouring of aid. This is America.
Nearly four years later, I coincidentally ran into the Habitat for Humanity Activity Coordinator who encouraged me to apply for a Learn and Build Experience program open for high school students. The following summer, I was flying to New Orleans, Louisiana through a Habitat for Humanity scholarship for an all-expense paid trip to help the city revive.
The pictures of New Orleans online and on news channels don't do justice. Even my eyes didn't do justice of what had really happened here in 2005. Houses had holes in their rooftops and numbers on their door - holes that victims had made to escape from the water filling their house more by the minute, numbers that read the number of dead corpses found: 1, 3, 4, 7, and even 15.
My job in New Orleans was to build houses homemade-style from scratch. We designed a floor plan, constructed a truss, put up the foundation for walls, painted the insulation underground, all in hopes for a better future for a victim and his family. Amongst the sweat, the wood dust, and stench of paint, I realized that there's nothing to life but to help others: to be a shoulder for someone fallen, to be a hand for someone reaching out, to be a friend for someone in need. It's true when they say love makes the world go round. This is America.
I'm not sure how I truly feel about this..
The idea behind the first para is good, but it is not helpful to say people from all walks of life were affcted or that 1,800 lives were lost, innocence is not relevant... you need to focus on the idea you want to express with each paragraph.
Always write that way: one paragraph, one idea. Say it, support it, and reflect on it.
You need to decide what the main idea is for the essay: a link between community service and patriotism? Identify that idea. Then, identify a sub-idea for each paragraph. When you do that, you'll know what words are unnecessary -- so you can cut it down to size.
