Please help me look over this essay for a scholarship.( I need help with editing it and content). It is similar to one I have written for another scholarship, but this one carries a similar idea, dealing with racism. Below you may find the prompt.
What do you consider to be the most pressing global issue today and why?
Response:
Despite the seeming eradication of racism, the world continues to experience prejudice and discrimination. I, myself, have been a victim of the prevalent nature of this ongoing problem in today's society.
A year ago, I remember wanting to buy my grandmother a gift for her 75th birthday. My parents along with my aunt and me drove to the nearest jewelry store and entered without any hesitation. Upon entering, a white gentleman approached and greeted us. He asked us if we needed any help. My aunt quickly responded,"No, gracias." She assumed that the employee knew Spanish. Unfortunately, this was not the case. He walked away for a while and then came back to the spot where we were standing. He stared at us fiercely, watching our every move. At first we did not pay much attention to him. But it did not take long for us to notice him and feel uncomfortable. My aunt spotted the perfect ring and necklace for my grandmother. Pretending as though nothing was happening, my aunt turned to the gentleman and asked him if we could purchase the ring and necklace. The gentleman responded to my aunt by telling her that she could not afford that design on a two set jewelry piece. He also told us that the store was not for someone of our economic status. He insisted that we were going to steal something and that he needed to keep an eye on us. His words struck me like lightning. I did not feel inferior to the gentleman, I felt worthless. He painted a humiliating image of us as thieves, but we did not let his comments intimidate us. My aunt suggested that we leave and not buy anything from the store. Despite the way we were treated, we came out of the store with our heads held high, proud of being Latino immigrants.
As a Latino, there is one common goal my family and the families of many other immigrants in this country share. That goal is the desire to better our lives and the lives of those we leave behind. In the beginning, this goal is nothing more than a dream, but our drive is so strong that the sacrifices we make are valuable in and of themselves. After all, the sacrifices we make are the ones that teach us life long lessons. Migrating to America, dealing with racism is a sacrifice that many Latinos make. In my case, my family experienced racism at a local shopping center. This incident proved that racism is still prevalent and that there is a lot of work ahead. Only when we come together will we be able to victoriously yell out freedom.
- My parents along with my aunt and meI drove
- to the nearest jewelry store and entered without any hesitation(this phrase is not necessary ) .
- Only when we come together will we be able to emerge victoriously yell outand claim freedom.
Brayan, above are the remarks I made for your essay, I hope it helps.
What I think about the content of your essay is that it talks about racism but you only
wrote about the Latino's as an example try, I suggest that you add more examples,
noting how racism is still evident in this day and age, this will help strengthen your essay,
also make it a little bit argumentative to add a little drama in your essay.
I hope to see the revised essay soon, Best of Luck!!!
