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'continuously standing up' - Compose "Page 87" autobiography


lavender_pham 3 / 11  
Nov 15, 2011   #1
Hello, I'm having difficulties writing the essay as I received two different comment upon it.

Prompt: Compose "Page 87" of your autobiography. In this essay, consider where your life story would be at this point.

My English teacher said the essay DID say a lot about me, a coordinator said she liked the essay because it was not too obvious. However, the lady at the career center said she did not see anything about me, I was being unrealistic, and although it was page 87, I was supposed to explain who were the people I mentioned in my essay. She wanted everything as clear as the sky.

Please read and give me some comment, regarding my bad grammar.

==========

However, I did not stomp on the gas pedal, although I really wanted to. I tapped my fingers on the wheel, counting impatiently. The November breeze was above fifty, but I decided to turn the heat to the highest temperature, hoping to calm myself down before the traffic light turned green.

Right after I got to exit 52 headed toward I-495, despite several car horns for my reckless driving and the risk of getting the first ticket ever on my clean driving record, I rushed the car to the carpool lane on the farthest left of the highway. I could not remember the exact speed I was driving, but I knew I was flying past cars. I did not bother to slow down though; my head was filled with excitement as I headed straight to Dulles Airport.

It was almost seven. My mom would not be at the airport anytime soon because she knew aunt Trang and her family would not land in Virginia for another three hours. I knew that too. But it was the day my dream finally come true, the day I had waited since junior high. I wouldn't have much patience to sit back and relax, have some dinner, and wait for the time flew by. It was just not my usual style to patiently wait for something to happen. My first fourteen years sharing the same roof with them was all I had. Now, after fifteen years long, it was the moment I could see them all day every day, and live with them until I aged and died.

I'd been preparing for that long as well: I studied, I learned, I worked, I saved money; and then I worked, and saved more money. Just in time, I could finally afford to make a down payment for a house of my own design, which was based on the idea of family as a big circle: wherever one goes, he or she would end up at the starting point, the origin of success - family. I loved to create, and create from things I love. But, until now, the house was a secret, even to my mom. The construction needed a few more months to complete; and I also needed to take them to IKEA to find out their favorite beds, lights, decorations and buy those in secret.

My phone rang and pulled me away from the stream of dreamy thoughts. It was my mom. She asked me if I would be home for dinner or go straight to the airport. I told her I was driving to Dulles, but I would stop by McDonald to get some McChicken and ice-cream, which usually cost no more than three dollars and enough for my growling stomach until 11 pm. She didn't seem to be satisfied; she demanded me to "buy something good to eat" before she hung up. To her, my age could not change the fact that I was still younger than her, which allowed her to never really treat me as a grown-up. But, I'd never acted as an adult in front of her anyway.

But I guess her concerns were understandable. In the past few days, I tried to finish all the marketing plans and important documents I needed to do; I also have the new spring collection ready before deadline. I was exhausted but that paid off later as it allowed me to call tomorrow and ask for a week off. I actually thought about having a month off instead of just a week, since it wouldn't give me enough time with my family. And if they fired me, I would go happily because I believed my trained fashion merchandising skills I learned at VCU could easily provide me a new job. I had savings and also relied on the profit from selling some of my paintings. VCUArt helped me so much to improve my drawing and painting skills. A lot people liked my arts and willing to pay big bucks for it. But, of course, all the babbling about quitting job was only a thought, not a reality. When I got excited, I could barely control my thoughts at the time; however, I knew my weaknesses and acknowledged what should and what should not to be done pretty quickly. So, I can avoid making emotional decision that would make me regret later, a bad habit I'd been trying to fix since high school.

Finally, I had arrived at the crowded airport. It didn't take me long to find the exact
iruchan - / 3  
Nov 24, 2011   #2
Hi Lavender_Pham (are you Vietnamese too?)
Remember to show. Don't tell. I think you are telling too much about your achievements and how great VCU is. Tell more about you and yourself, not VCUarts or what it did to you.

By the way, I'm applying for VCU too. But I can't find any section to submit the scholarship essay in the online app. Can you tell me where to submit the scholarship essay?

Thank you very much.
shmaceroo 3 / 21  
Nov 24, 2011   #3
The first sentence of your last paragraph makes absolutely no sense. It seems like maybe something accidentally got deleted and then pasted together? Just maybe look over it.

Also, on a stylistic point, I really like how you ended your last sentence mid-sentence. That was quite a creative idea. You're beginning worked really well also. You really encompassed the idea of starting on page 87. And I disagree with the idea that you should clarify the people because, if it were page 87, you wouldn't actually have to. But also, I agree with iruchan. You need to tell more about yourself I think. I didn't really learn much about you besides the fact that you sometimes speed, and your mother worries about you. Not exactly the best description of you I'm betting. ;)

Good luck on your essay! I hope you get in!
OP lavender_pham 3 / 11  
Nov 27, 2011   #4
Thank you iruchan. And yes, I am Vietnamese. The scholarship essay section is right below the personal statement (it's on the same page of the other essay)

Thank you shmacero.
I understand why this essay doesn't seem to make sense. As the requirement, it said to be creative.
_Although I started with "However" but I later clarified that I stuck at a traffic light while I was in a hurry.
_Speeding was not my intention because right after that was "clean record", which means I was a careful driver (and later in the essay, when people learn about my intention of speeding, to see family, it was supposed to say that I put my family on top of everything else.

_The McChicken and icecream, although my favorite, but "cost no more than $3" which made sense when I said I only worked and saved. This was supposed to say that I weight my money and restricted myself on how I want to use it.

_The reality realization at the near end was supposed to be that I understood myself very well, and I was not a so dreamy person all the time as it might seemed throughout the essay.

So these are important points I wanted to make about myself without obviously telling it.
After I received feedback from the lady at the career center, she said the essay was muddy while everything must be clear. I added VCUart which seemed so OBVIOUSLY EXXAGERATION (according to my English teacher). In the other hand, my English teacher didn't think this essay muddy, only needed to fix some irrelevant sentences. So... I'm in a terrible confusion as I have no idea which direction to go, and the application due next week. *sigh*

Thanks for your help! After you read the clarification above, does it seem clear at all (within the essay)? Because if the admission office only read it once and not catch the essay fully, then I'm dead.
iruchan - / 3  
Nov 27, 2011   #5
Hi Lavender_Pham, below the personal statement section is the "application fee". I can't find the essay section :(
I've attached the screenshot here, hope you can help me. Also can you give me the link to the online app for int'l student? Hope I didn't get the wrong link.

Dec 1 deadline is near. OMG, I'M SO DEAD :((



OP lavender_pham 3 / 11  
Nov 27, 2011   #6
Hi iruchan, your application theme seemed to be different than mine. Did you use this online application ssb.vcu.edu/proddad/twbkwbis.P_GenMenu?name=homepage ? Are you international student or transferring student?

I am not sure about the application you are using, but mine does have a check list, I would click to the essay question and there would be space for me to type in. You should try to click to the additional requirements or browse all the tabs it had.

Here are my application format





shmaceroo 3 / 21  
Nov 27, 2011   #7
I didn't mean that the essay was confusing, I just meant that this sentence : "But I guess her concerns I finished all the marketin g plans and important documents I needed to do in the next few days already," Makes no sense because of the part that I highlighted. It looks as if you accidentally smashed two sentences together when there should have been two..?
OP lavender_pham 3 / 11  
Nov 27, 2011   #8
Oh yes, it was. Thank you for pointing it out. This was the 3rd revision so I copied-pasted sentences all over the place.
Thanks =)
iruchan - / 3  
Nov 27, 2011   #9
Hi Lavender_Pham, I apply using the online app "Fall 2012 Undergraduate Program" for int'l student from here global.vcu.edu/students/admissions/forms.html

Yes, I am international student (and I think so are you, right?). I think the application you are using is for U.S. citizen only (since it has the "permanent address" and the "VA In-state tuition app")

Can you give me your email so that I can contact you more easily? VCU office is "on vacation", so they didn't reply any email (omg)


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