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Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hope & wishes.


Hello guys,...
I need you to help me correcting my draft for scholarship subscription.

The question is :

Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hope & wishes.



It was in economic crisis period. My age was 5 years old when my mother went to abroad to be housemaid. Left me staying with my father and relatives. She came back when I was 11 years old, but my family economic situation has not changed much. The national economic conditions was becoming worse. Not much can be expected from my parents income because of their low education.

My mother worked in a factory canning fish, she often came home with cuts on his hands and feet. Because of our economic condition they didn't care about their health. Since then, I was determined that I should be educated especially in health area. I have to change my destiny. Poverty is a source of my power dare to dream. Bidikmisi scholarship drove me to enter the graduate level at the Airlangga University, majoring Public Health program, facing my dream and left my family in the village.

During college, I filled my day did part time job as a research assistant and private tutor for junior high school student and also did organization activities. I still believe that effort and prayer will help me achieve my dream. Poverty is not an obstacle to achieve dream. After graduated I accepted as civil employee in primary health care but it isn't good as people think. I am facing obstacle about make decision in health management and policy. Senior civil employee always take an easiest decision without thinking much for better health development. They never accept my idea or suggestion because they think I am at same level education with them and doesn't have much experience. As a new worker I can do nothing to change this condition. So, the only way to make them believe in me is higher education I must reach.

I hope you can help me to correcting my essay.
Thank you


Jan 10, 2017   #2
Diga, your essay is too matter of fact. That means you just present the information required by the essay without considering adequate explanations which can help the scholarship committee learn more about you, your future aspirations, and what obstacles you have had to overcome in your life. There are snippets of these things in the current essay but it isn't developed enough to properly introduce you to the reviewer.

Your course of life should discuss your background, not your mother and her work, nor your family life. If anything, the discussion of your course of life should include the relationship that you have with your family up to present. It is not necessary to introduce the family members and their stories individually. It just matters what your relationship is with them.

Your view of life can come from the life experiences that you have. From its difficulties and accomplishments. However, you should not take on a negative point of view of the kind of life that you have lived. The message of a hopeful future through education should be evident. This connects directly with your study background. When you discuss this portion, make sure to include any academic achievements that you might have. Scholarship committees pay particular attention to academic excellence in their candidates which is why the foundation has a minimum grade requirement for their scholarship applicants.

Hopes and wishes for your future should relate to where you see your life headed after you complete this particular course of education. Think of your life in at least 2 years time. How much would you have turned it around by then? What kind of life do you think you will be leading by then? Will you owe it all to the additional education that you received thanks to the scholarship? Mention that and indicate how pivotal this scholarship will be to your achieving those goals.
@digaprasiska
Some grammar things.
It was during economic crisis period . My ageI was 5 years old (...) to be housemaid, and left me staying ...
..., but my family economic situation has not changeddidn't change much. The national economic conditions was becomingwere getting worse.

... a factory canning fish, and often came home ...
Poverty is a source of my power dare to dream.
..., facing my dream and leftleaving my family in the village.

I filled my day didwith part time job as (...) and also didparticipated in organization activities.

After graduatedgraduation I was accepted as civil ...
I am facing obstacle about makemaking decision in health ...
... always take an easiesteasy decision without thinking ...
... education with them and doesn'tdon't have much experience.

I believe there are more. It'll be much better if there is no error.
your hope & wishes.

I revise your first paragraph with what I can and separate each paragraph to address the essay prompt. First paragraph talks about your course of life, second paragraph and third paragraph talk about your view of life and your study background, last paragraph talks about your hope and wishes.

However, last paragraph in your essay explain more about problem in your occupation as public servants than your hope and wishes in the future in relation to public health. I think you can describe more problems relevant to public health in bigger picture rather than problems in the work place and develop your hope and wishes for public health organizations base on the problems.

It was during Great Recession that my mother leaving the five-years-old me and my father to work abroad as foreign housemaid with determination to improve our financial condition. She came back six years later to reunite again with us however due to the impacts of recessions, our financial condition still not better than before she left. Even though my parents are not highly educated, they cope with odd jobs such as factory workers to get little earnings that support our living. My parent worked hard while neglecting their health which is really worry me and it motivated me to learn more about health so I can take better care for them.

I think that life is something that only I can created the way I want it to and not surrender to the circumstances. (continue with your opinion that poverty is not obstacle to reach your dream).

After graduating from ... (previous education), I decided to pursue higher education at Airlangga University sponsored by Bidikmisi Scholarship. I chose Public Health program to deepen my knowledge in health services in public health institution. (more explanation of your study, research, internship, etc.).


I still learn about writing and I hope my comments can be helpful.

Thanks,
Messal
Thank you so much for your help guys....

Here is my new essay, hope you can correcting me again.
Thank you .
....

It was during Great Recession that my mother leaving the five-years-old me and my father to work abroad as foreign housemaid with determination to improve our financial condition. She came back six years later to reunite again with us however due to the impacts of recessions, our financial condition still not better than before she left. Even though my parents are not highly educated, they cope with odd jobs such as factory workers and farming to get little earnings that support our living. My parent worked hard while neglecting their health which is really worry me and it motivated me to be educated and learn more about health so I can take better care for them.

I think that life is something that only I can created the way I want it to and not surrender to the circumstances. Poverty is not an obstacle to achieve dream. Due to my academic excellent in high school. I got Bidikmisi Scholarship from Indonesian government which help me to pursue higher education at Airlangga University, one of the best University in Indonesia. I chose Public Health program to deepen my knowledge in public health services.

After graduation, I was accepted as civil employee of Indonesian government. Placed in primary health care of developing district in Indonesia. Then I realize that too many health community problem. The best way to solve it is with good health management and policy. Unfortunately, stake holder in this district always take an easy decision about health management program without thinking much about health development. It motivated me to pursue higher education to be next leader to change this condition.

Please help me
Jan 11, 2017   #6
Diga, when you discuss your hope and wishes, there is no need to mention the problems that your government causes with regards to public health. You just need to discuss how you hope to improve that aspect of life for your countrymen, without the help of the government. The last part of your essay sounds like you are just complaining. Close on the positive note of your dreams and aspirations to change the healthcare system in your country in the future. Circle back to your parents and how you hope that all of the studying you are doing in the health care field will eventually help you to give them a better life and better health. That is the only aspect missing in this essay at this point. You have pretty much covered all aspects in the best way that you can.
Merged:

Letter of Self Introduction



Gus please help me correcting my essay for scholarship application.

Here is the question.
1. Your course of life, study background, your hopes, & wishes
2. You education and work experience, in relation KGSP
3. Your motivation for applying for this program
4. Reason for study in Korea

Here is my essay

(...)
Due to my academic excellent in high school. I got Bidikmisi Scholarship from Indonesian government which help me to pursue higher education at Airlangga University, one of the best University in Indonesia. I chose Public Health program to deepen my knowledge in public health services. During college, I filled my day did part time job as a research assistant and also did organization activities like student boarding and scout organization.

(...)
Then I found out about KGSP. I think this is my chance to pursue higher education in Korea. Ajou university is my choice amongst other Korean university because Ajou University is include as Top 200 Asia Best University. The most important is Ajou University Graduate school of public health has health management and policy major. ........... ( I am confused to close my essay, Help me)

Thanks for your help
It was during Great Recession thatwhen my mother leavingleft the five-years-old me and my father to worked abroad as foreign ...

She came after back six years later to reunite again with us. H owever due to (...) condition still notwasn't better than it had been before she left.

... excellent in high school, I got Bidikmisi Scholarship (...) which helped me to pursue higher education...

During college, I filled my day didwith part time job (...) and also didparticipated in organization activities ...

The best way to solve it is with appropriated health ...
Unfortunately, Regional government makingmade regional development ...
... and be the next leader , and to change this condition ...

... management and policy, I often read ...
Then I found out about South Korea being the fastest health care ...
InWith 2000 Korea merged (...) payer system, t he Korean health management ...
... (insurance) called NHI, Korea has achieved ...
Recently, Indonesiahas changedchange into single (...) but it is facing too many problems to cover all of Indonesian people ...

Then I found out about KGSP. I think this is my chance to pursue higher education in Korea. (I think you can just stop here, but don't name other university you among your choices in your essay.)
Jan 12, 2017   #9
Diga, your essay is lacking in a number of aspects. It doesn't clearly represent any familiarity with the Korean culture or language on your part aside from having read about the health care system of the country quite recently. So you have no actual preparations for this sort of scholarship program. This scholarship program will only work for you if you already have some knowledge of Korean culture and have taken some or advanced Korean language classes. Have you taken any sort of Korean language classes? Those classes should be discussed and represented in relation to the KGSP scholarship program. I do not see a clear reason for your desire to study in Korea in the essay. The KGSP scholarship looks for students who have a passion and desire to live and work in Korea for a few years after graduation in order to really get the most out of the scholarship program. I strongly urge you to look at the other KGSP application essays that have been previously written and advised on in the past on this forum. Get an idea of what the response requires and hopefully, you will figure out the best way to revise your essay from there. At the moment, this essay will not qualify you for the scholarship at all.
Thank you Bennyooo and Holt

I already revised my essay
Could you help me check it one more time?
Thank you

It was during Great Recession when my mother left the five-years-old me and my father to worked abroad as foreign housemaid with determination to improve our financial condition. She came back six years later to reunite again with us however due to the impacts of recessions, our financial condition wasn't better than it had been she left. Even though my parents are not highly educated, they cope with odd jobs such as factory workers and farming to get little earnings that support our living. My parent worked hard while neglecting their health which is really worry me and it motivated me to be educated and learn more about health so I can take better care for them and others.

I think that life is something that only I can created the way I want it to and not surrender to the circumstances. Poverty is not an obstacle to achieve dream. Due to my academic excellent in high school. I got Bidikmisi Scholarship from Indonesian government which helped me pursue higher education at Airlangga University, one of the best University in Indonesia. I chose Public Health program to deepen my knowledge in public health services. During college, I filled my day with part time job as a research assistant and also participated in organization activities like student boarding and scout organization.

Completed my Bach. Of Public Health with good academic result, I was accepted as civil employee of Indonesian government, placed in primary health care of developing district in Indonesia. Then I realize that health community problem is really complex. The best way to solve it is with appropriated health management system and policy. Unfortunately, Regional government made regional development policies without thinking much about health development. This condition motivated me to pursue higher education, be the next leader to change this condition to help people take care their health.

Because of my interest in health management and policy, I often read about overview health management system from some countries. Then I found South Korea being the fastest health care expenditure per capita among OECD countries. In 2000, Korea merged all insurance schemes into single payer system. The Korean health management system and policy is really comprehensive and can cover almost All Korean. Through the single payer system (insurance) called NHI Korea has achieved a rapid improvement in health outcomes. Recently, Indonesia has changed into single health insurance system but the implemented facing too many problems in which Korea already successfully pass through NHI. That's why I think Korea is the best country to learn about health management system and policy.

My interest about Korea didn't stop only in the health management system and policy. I started to watch Korean variety show program and it make me really want to learn about Korean culture and experiencing about being Korean. Because of my interest, I am also learning about basic Korean language and writing. Unfortunately, I can't afford to take TOPIK test because it only once in a year and only in Indonesia's Capital city. I found about KGSP in 2013, I think this is my chance to know Korea better, not only help me pursue higher education in health management system and policy, but also give my chance to life in Korea and learn Korean culture better.

Thank you
Jan 13, 2017   #11
Diga, the TOPIK is an integral part of this application so you must never tell the reviewer that you are not able to take the test. You need the results of that test to show that you are going to be capable of surviving in a country with a culture vastly different from your own. If you cannot speak or read in Korean, how do you expect to survive the academic and living environment in Korea? Exactly. Your application will be set aside and not be considered for the scholarship program. Revise your essay to instead indicate that you are doing self taught Korean lessons and also, mention that you plan to take the TOPIK in the future. Read the other KGSP applications available for your reference in this forum and use the information as examples as to how you can improve your application essay for this program.
Hello Diga, i like this essay. i think you can express your hopes and dreams without mentioning the hardship caused by your government. Focus more on how you will change your country.
Thank you I3atjin

Thank you Holt.
Before i revise my essay could you explain me should I mention about the university which i choose? I have plan to apply through university not embassy.

Hope you can help me.

Thank you so much
Jan 13, 2017   #14
At this point, there is no reason to mention the university or universities that you plan to apply for admission to yet. There is a specific essay for the KGSP program, I believe it is a study plan essay or something along those lines, that will allow you to discuss your chosen masters degree course along with the 3 Korean universities that you have chosen to enroll in. It is only then that you should present the discussion of your university choices. This particular essay is just concentrated on your background and helping the reviewer figure out if you have the ability to actually qualify for admission to a Korean university as a masters degree student. That is why I am concerned about certain, specific weaknesses in your essay. I hope that there will be some way that you can develop better responses that can help improve your chances for consideration.
Thanks Holt...

It is if I applying to embassy. Since my plan is applying to university, I just can choose one university which my application must send to the university I choose not to the embassy.

That's why I am really confused about the last paragraph. Should I mention it nor not since I send my application directly to the university I choose.

thank you


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