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Court development - Scholarship Essay for Australia Awards on Career contribution

Khosoo09 2 / 2  
Jun 1, 2020   #1
Dear all,

I'm a government officer responsible for court development from Mongolia.

Please kindly review and give me feedback for the Australia Awards.
Thank you in advance.

How will the proposed study contribute to your career?

My long term vision is to continue to work as a public servant responsible for court development along with my strong professional activities. As a court manager, I want to implement a project to develop an e-litigation system and to reform civil proceedings in Mongolia as stipulated in Vision 2050- Mongolian long-term development policy.

Studying digital trade law at Melbourne law school, will equip me with the knowledge and skills necessary to promote the e-litigation system which enables the court to decide digital trade contract disputes electronically. So, I intend to choose subjects relating to Digital trade, Competition in digital Markets, Digital consumer protection, and e-commercial law. By gaining these skills and knowledge, it will allow me to lead and establish new e-court (a system receives and handles some cases electronically), to prepare specialized judges on e-court and to draft related laws.

Moreover, I'm keen to give my contribution to creating laws encouraging digital trade and protecting property rights and privacy of citizens as a lawyer. Because Mongolia is in a lack of qualified human resources who have an in-depth knowledge of creating laws that regulate high-speed technological development, I intend to study subjects on FinTech, cryptocurrency, commercial law in globalization, and legal issues in technological advance, personal privacy at UNSW. On finishing my proposed course, I will be able to analyses the effect of legal regulations on new technological relations and improve them or creates new ones. I will lead the legal community of Mongolia to develop laws responding to digital development by publishing articles, giving lectures, participating in drafting laws.

So, I hope to be promoted to a team leader on a project of introducing e-court in Mongolia and I will become a highly qualified lawyer specialized in e-commercial laws after returning to Mongolia.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,535 3447  
Jun 2, 2020   #2
Since this is a future looking essay, you should not be presenting information as to what subjects you are interested in studying and why. You only have 2000 characters with which to complete this presentation so you have to focus on your future career plans only. The question asks you to provide the significance of your study in relation to your career plans. You need not go into detailed, subject by subject declarations. That wastes valuable character count. You should instead, be speaking of how the overall course will improve your career chances. That means, you should explain how you will apply your studies to your line of work, resulting in career advancement or field improvement. That is why you should avoid discussing specific subjects. The discussion here is based on how you will apply the knowledge you will have gained by that point.

So, this can actually be just a single paragraph discussion, no more than 2 at the most if compress the first and second paragraph information into a single paragraph. Ditch the subject references and explanations. For the final paragraph, you can totally remove the reference to: I intend to study subjects on FinTech,...personal privacy at UNSW. The essay will close on a stronger note without those irrelevant discussion points. Either replace that sentence with a career / goal oriented reference, or simply skip it altogether. Compress the last 2 paragraphs as well. There is no need to separate the last sentence. It will help to create a strong concluding note to the paragraph instead.

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