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Create a new concept for payment - Networking Chevening

ahmedbaehaq 3 / 5 1  
Nov 1, 2018   #1
Hello, I'm preparing an essay for Chevening and I need feedback on my essay.


Word: 496

When I was a product developer in the X, I was responsible for creating new products or improving existing products. I have been involved in several projects, and each project involved many stakeholders, both internal and external. Therefore, I continue to maintain good professional relationships with colleagues from various departments and business partners.

In 2016, I had the idea to develop and introduce ways to use NFC for payments, but I don't know where to start because this was entirely new in here. So, I contacted all of my colleagues from other divisions to get feedback through the social media group that I have created.

Luckily, I got a lot of feedback and help from my colleagues about this project, and one of them invited me to a seminar that held by XX in May 2016. She introduced me to the account manager of XX, and we discussed a lot about my idea. After several meetings, she invited me to a workshop that held by XX which focused on digital payment development in my country. I met with the XX Business Development manager who explained SOAP (name of a system) to me, and I also met some professionals who had backgrounds in fin-tech. SOAP is a digital service to support transactions using NFC by storing customer information data on cloud servers. From this point, I got new perspectives and put my ideas into a concept. I was interested in SOAP, and I invited him to make a presentation to my manager and Dept Head in my Division to explore the possibilities of collaboration.

Days later, the management board agreed to collaborate with XX, and I immediately prepared the Business Requirement Design (BRD) and the feasibility study. Then I invited other related divisions to participate in this project from planning, development to launch. Unfortunately, based on our calculation, this project took approximately 1 year to develop, and they advised me to look for other alternatives. and the words of my acquaintance from the XX division advised me to assess the possibility of opening a partnership with SamsungPay.

In short, I met with the service and content manager of Samsung and invited him to discuss the possibility of collaborating with SamsungPay. In 2016, SamsungPay had not been launched in my country, so there was no SamsungPay representative in here. So, I asked him to invite SamsungPay representatives from Korea, and I arranged a meeting with the Vice President of my company. After meetings and workshops were held, I completed all the BRD for the projects and proposed it to the management. Finally, the board of management agreed and made it a "2017 Strategic Initiative".

If I am chosen as a Chevening Awardee, I will use the opportunity given to broadening my network with people from various backgrounds and use my professional expertise to improve the collaboration with the Chevening alumni, its scholars and or on a broader scope to support cooperation between the UK and my country.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,301 3344  
Nov 2, 2018   #2
Ahmed, never cut a long story short when it comes to a Chevening presentation. You need to tell the story of the network development with Samsung completely. That means, you will need to edit your presentation to shorten the first 2paragraphs to just the bare bones with regards to the information. Summarize that part because that does not really pertain to the creation, development, and maintenance of your network. Free up additional words as best as you can so that you can properly present the SamsungPay information in the essay. More importantly, Tell the reviewer what the result of the "2017 Strategic Initiative" was. How successful is the SamsungPay project in your country? Do you attribute that to your successful networking practice? Why? These 3 questions should be answered in a concluding paragraph format so that the essay can close on a strong, positive, and impressive note.
naseernasrati 14 / 33 10  
Nov 2, 2018   #3
overall I dont want to say anything about content of your essay considering chevening question answer because another one has already mentioned important issues but

I want to comment on grammatical and structural points of your essay.
if I were you I would like to reread the entire essay and check it for grammatical and structural points because in some points sentences are not structurally good.

and also, another important point while reading your essay for is language use, in some points you used wrong words while you should use another words such as, last sentence of first paragraph (continue) and first sentence of last paragraph ( I am chosen).

good luck.
rhm 4 / 5 1  
Nov 2, 2018   #4
Hi, you essay seems good. There are only few things I want to comment on:
1. "If I am chosen as a Chevening Awardee..." the term used for Chevening is Chevening Scholar, not Awardee.
2. You cannot use "don't" for formal English writing. Use "do not" instead
3. Maybe you can give example on how your networking skills has bring professional benefit to you. Your example in the essay is very detailed, but I wonder that maybe you have something else that is just as interesting?

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