Hi there, I have exceeded the 250 word limit by 30 words. I would love any help shortening this essay.. I would also appreciate the toughest criticism on content and grammar!Thank you.
As a three year old, I remember looking out the windows of the Mexicana airplane, astounded by the clouds. According to my mother, I spent this hour in elation, chattering about how excited I was to fly. Although I did not know this yet, I had every reason to be thrilled. I left the cage where my father nearly became a political prisoner and my mother, an engineer, resorted to sewing and selling dolls to make a living.
With few relatives, I grew up an only child in a family of three, living and breathing my parents' experiences. They told me stories of a childhood that starkly contrasted mine in everything from military school to tobacco picking. Our differences helped me understand the commodities I indulge in. Within me grew a second-hand awareness that nothing had to be easy-my way of life was a gift, somewhat like the music that ran through my family tree.
As a young girl, I watched music preserve ties and ease tensions. The few times we could call Cuba, it was so that my uncle and father could bring a musical piece together; my uncle working on lyrics and my father on the tune. Music filled our home for generations; today, it helps me surrender my limitations and revel in its soothing sounds.
Through my parents' stories-and instruments-I embraced the culture I left behind. Through every strum of the guitar and "one day, when I was a child," I learned to see.
At three years, I was looking out the windows of the Mexicana airplane, astounded by the clouds. - Try: "As a three year old, I remember looking out..."
I was leaving the cage where my father nearly became a political prisoner and where my mother, an engineer, resorted to sewing dolls and selling dollsthem to make a living. - You can reword this entire sentence for better flow.
First of my family in this country, with no other relatives, I grew up an only child in a family of three, living and breathing my parents' experiences. - This also, can be re-worded. Since you're an only child, saying you're a first born is unnecessary.
They told me stories of a childhood that starkly contrasted mine, from military school to tobacco picking. - You can break this sentence into two or use a semicolon because the "from school. . ." part is a little confusing.
Our differences helped me understand the commodities I indulge in; in me grew a second-hand awareness that everything did not have to be as easy as it was-my way of life was a gift, somewhat like the music that ran through my family tree. - The semicolon doesn't work here because the second sentence isn't really relevant to its preceding sentence. Just put a period after the first.
The few times we could afford to call Cuba, it was so that my uncle and father could bring a musical piece together; my uncle working on the lyrics and my father on the tune.
Music had filled our homes generation after generation and it wouldwill , throughout my lifetime, teach me to surrender my limitations and embrace its noble message.
I embraced the culture I had left behind.
. .itar and "one day, when I was a child, " that I learned to see.
You definitely have good content but since there is a word limit, I think you should pick one subject. . the stories of your parents or the music.
Good luck! :)
Jen,
thank you so much for your suggestions.
I was actually able to bring it down to exactly 350 now.
It still talks about two topics but I'm hoping it'll make enough sense.
[any additional help would still be very appreciated!]
Our differences helped me understand the commodities in which I indulge. in .
Within me grew a second-hand awareness that nothing had to be easy-my way of life was a gift, somewhat like the music that ran through my family tree.------excellent!!!
Try combining the last 2 paragraphs as one and then moving para #2 to the end so that it is the conclusion.
:-)
