Hello, Please help me to proof my essay for Australia Award Scholarship.
1. How did you choose your proposed course and institution?
Since my childhood, I have always been interested in machines especially their structure, functions and process. So I finished my degree with Mechanical Engineering for my curiosity about machine. After graduation, I joined tire production industry to seek experience and apply for my knowledge. While working in that factory, I learned not only that the machine parts which are related with each other but also organization processes. Then, I started interesting in supply chain management. After 5 years in that work, I transferred to the department of small and medium enterprise development where I have to be responsible for providing services for SMEs in my region. At that time, I realized myself to upgrade my skill and capacity to facilitate local SMEs more efficiently. In our country, SMEs play a main role for economic development but most of SMEs are running in a traditional way in their relevant business. They are lack of knowledge and fail accomplishment in linking with same industry to one other especially in supply chain management. To achieve better results, the supply chain management integrates the business process such as logistic, procurement, distribution and reducing in cost of production. This program will enable me to get better understanding on how to enhance better quality services, and practical supply chain management improvement which will help me in executing my assigned duties. Therefore, I wish to apply for this supply chain management course that I can provide value added services and promote local SMEs more efficiently. Furthermore, I choose to study in University of Wollongong and Victoria University that will suitable for greater degree. Moreover, both Universities are internationally recognized in Australia Universities and have good ranked and reputation among the world's university. In additions, I believe that the course structure given in these universities matched and fulfill my interest, desire knowledge and skills as well as SMEs in our country.
Only one essay at time, pleaseYour essay's content is quite sufficient and informative but you should set up again your structure with an academic writing style. You should divide it into 3 part: introduction about your intention of applying for this course, content, and conclusion separately
Second, you need to correct these mistakes:
Their lack of knowledge leading to unproductive outcomes
I finished my degree ... machine =>... to satisfy my curiosity of machine
Hope that helps.
@Linh Dieu Thank you so mach for your valuable advice. It is useful for me.
Is there a word count for this essay? If there is, I would recommend maximizing the space through omitting words that are unnecessary. If there is not, try to be more communicative and substantiate more through giving more details on your essay. You should also try to leverage your writing to be more academically proficient.
Having said that, let's try to implement and revise a couple portions for technicalities.
Since my childhood [...] machines, especially their structures, functions, and processes. [...]
Note: You have to be consistent with your usage of forms for formality purposes.
I finished my Mechanical Engineering degree with a passionate curiosity for machines.
Note: You should try to restructure your sentences to maximize space. Try to also insert adjectives that can display emotions vividly to showcase how devoted you are. Watch out for misuse of preposition. It is also informal to start a sentence with "so".
After five years in the work, I transferred to a department of an SME wherein I was responsible for providing services in my locale.
Note: Try to use the word version of the number for formality. It should be wherein because you are coming from a place/location-based text. You can also replace in my region to locale as both are synonymous (however, the latter appears more specific to an area within your jurisdiction). You do not need to mention the entire meaning of SME (ie. note that you can use acronyms for terminologies that are easily recognizable; it will still be appropriate).
In [insert country name], SMEs play a major role in economic development. However, given that they run on traditional platforms, they lack competitive knowledge in their respective sectors.
Note: Try to be more specific and concise. Notice how instead of using too many sentences that are complex, I tried to elevate the writing style through making a coherent sentence that can display the same thought as the one you were attempting to relay.
A lot of this is implementation of technique and knowing how to curate appropriate texts. It is also helpful to seek for second opinions; if you cannot, personally rereading your essay to learn from your own mistakes can also be beneficial in the long-run.
Best of luck.
Thank you @Maria. I very appreciate your advises. Well,there is maximum 400s words count. I have difficult to use formal vocabulary and I didn't write clearly what I purpose. Now I try and rewrite my essay as soon as possible.
