Short presentation for scholarship
I am completing my application for the Australia Award Scholarship (approximately 100 words). I need your help to review it and make corrections. Thank you.
Current duties and responsibilities
Involved in the planning and optimization of radio networks, designing and data analysis which means I have responsibilities to analyze radio coverage area, technical survey for new site, and designing include provide radiant systems and radio frequency planning for GSM and UMTS. In the optimization stage, main tasks are to supervise optimal network performance by analyzing coverage area problems and take responsibility to solve it. Besides this, one main task as an admin of Aircom enterprise server, I performed several tasks such as configuration, updating and statistics analysis.
How will this scholarship contribute to the organization's human resource development needs? (approximately 100 words);
Surely this scholarship will contribute to the organization's human recourse development needs by equipping the methods and advanced skills. Because, I believe that the study programs of master telecommunication and network engineering will deepen the knowledge and skills that I have gained in my first degree and in my current job, while expanding my managerial and professional engineering knowledge to develop expertise in the analysis, design, implementation and operation of telecommunication devices, systems, networks and services. Of course, it will increase the number of master in telecommunication and will contribute to reduce company's dependence on opinions of foreign experts
The content of the first prompt looks fine, but the thing that is unfortunate is your grammatical range and accuracy. It somehow confuses the reader. I can see that you were struggling to create complex sentences accurately but unfortunately the result was the opposite. Remember that any types of essay, especially academic essays, prioritize clarity above all. If your essay is too complicated and unclear to the reviewers, they are highly likely to consider it as a failure and not worth to pass the selection process. Thus, my suggestion is that you can simplify the sentences usage in your response towards the given prompt, either the first or the second one. For example, instead of writing 'Involved in the planning...' you can simply write 'The responsibilities that I have ranging from ..... to ...., particularly in the field of.....' 'In the .... stage, I am highly responsible for supervising...... as my main tasks.', and many other sentence paraphrase possibilities.
With regards to the words count, approximately can possibly mean that it is around 100 words. Thus, I personally think that your response towards the prompt should be at least 100 words and not less than that. I have counted yours and it only has 88 words for the response of the first prompt and 99 words for the second one. This should be avoided by adding some additional words that might be necessary for the response itself.
Hope this helps :)
Rumiela, your first prompt response just needs to be adjusted in presentation in order to make it more coherent. Since you have 100 words to work with, then present each reference to your duties and responsibilities as a completely developed sentence. That way, you avoid the phrase type presentation that you have in the statement at the moment. You will also better present the essay if you use the first person pronouns (I , me , my, myself) when you describe your work . Revising the presentation accordingly will help you create a more understandable presentation to the reviewer.
In the second prompt, I believe that you should revise your answer. You are talking about how the course will help you on the job when what the reviewer really wants to know about is, "How will you apply what you have learned on the job?" Specifically, "Where will your studies be most helpful to you in terms of application of your newly learned skills?" Your response in this area should relate in a direct manner to the current duties and responsibilities that you have at the organization.
Remember, 100 words is the maximum count. You do not have to present 100 words for the statement response if you do not have 100 words to describe your answer. As long as you write more at least half of the word requirement (50 words) your response will be acceptable to the reviewer. The word count actually depends upon you. If you feel that you should use 100 words in your response per question, then do so. Just make sure you write at least 50 words as an answer to each of the questions provided.
Hi @Rumiela, your essays need grammar checks.
... designing and data analysis
which means I have ...
In the optimization stage, my main tasks are to supervise ...
... as an admin of Aircom enterprise server, I
performed perform several tasks ...
As for the second essay, I small tips from me, I believe putting because after a full stop doesn't sound good. Instead, you can combine the two sentences together without it.
... the methods and advanced skills because I believe that ...