Hello, I'm preparing an essay for Chevening and I need feedback on my essay.
Post-Study Career Plan ESSAY - CHEVENING
After completing my master's degree in the UK, I will return to Indonesia and continue my career as a financial advisor at X. One of my goals is to help my company improve our services through innovation using technology. So that it can provide comfort, convenience and security in conducting financial activities to customers, both internal and external customers. I want to contribute to my company through improving services that can be done through simplification, automation, and digitalization of current business processes. So, the company can achieve efficiency in all aspects and remain competitive in the technology era. On the other hand, our external customers remain loyal and give their trust because of our excellent services.
Since I applied for the future leaders' development programs, I have no choice but to go where the company wants me to be assigned. But, this Master's degree will help me to become a specialist in my field. During approximately 4 years of working, I got three times job promotion. Therefore, I am confident that I can apply the knowledge and skills I get in the UK for the benefit of my environment and to boost my career in the long run.
Furthermore, in the long-term, I want to run my own company engaged in the financial technology industry, especially the investment industry. I want to contribute to my home country to increase public awareness of financial literacy. As is well known, demographics in Indonesia are diverse and unique, and this makes financial literacy in Indonesia uneven. Based on data from the Indonesian Financial Services Authority, in 2017, only 29% of the public has an understanding of financial literacy. There is a considerable gap, and I hope by educating the people about investment could cut the difference and push the financial literacy in my country.
With digital developments, I will create banking products that make it easier for people to access financial services, especially in investment services such as investments in bonds, or mutual funds. This digital banking product is a good method for introducing and encouraging an investment culture in Indonesia. In addition, I think this is the right way to support government financial inclusion programs.
The British Government has always been a strategic partner for Indonesia, with several DFID programs in Indonesia. One of DFID's programs is to promote economic development in Indonesia through the development of Rupiah debt market capital. I want to liaise and directly support the British government's program in educating the public about investment instruments by joining surveys or research to get the valid data regarding the current social issues and Indonesia's demographics uniqueness. So this project can identify and solve the problem comprehensively and make recommendations through the roadmap to enhance the rupiah debt capital market (Phase II). Also, I want to collaborate with Chevening Alumni Asociation Indonesia to discuss and share ideas to support projects between the UK and Indonesia in the future.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,531 3446
Ahmed, about the paragraph where you mention the future leader's program. That sounds a bit bitter and hopeless rather than excited and raring to go. You are being groomed by the program to become a future leader of your nation, that is not exactly something that should be met with the mindset of "I have no choice". Rather you should be highlighting that training as part of the benefit that Chevening will be receiving by accepting your application to their scholarship. Develop 2 paragraphs that explains the following:
1. What you will be expected to do in the future leader training program;
2. Explain how this fits with your plans to participate in the UK supported programs in your country.
3. Indicate how the two programs (Future Leaders and Chevening) can merge into an impressive project based on your plans for your future as both a leader and Chevening scholar in your country.
You may need to cut out certain parts of your essay or shorten some presentations in order to discuss the above topics. Do it. Believe me, your essay will be stronger with that information presented for consideration by the scholarship committee.