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The Day My Dream Became Reality

huskymom1355 1 / -  
Jun 2, 2016   #1
Write a brief essay (250 word maximum) on your goals and aspirations as they relate to your education, career, and future plans. Explain why you are a qualified candidate and should be considered for the scholarship.

I stared at the envelope for what seemed like hours, but in reality, it was only a few minutes. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I opened it. This was it. This was my make it or break it. I had been waiting for this envelope for a whole semester. As I pulled the papers out all I remember was the happy screams and tears that emerged. I had done it. I had been one of fifty students selected to attend the fall semester of nursing in 2014. I read over all the information, all the while, still shocked I was selected.

As a young child death is a hard thing to process. I saw many grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins die growing up. All either to cancer or drugs. I knew I wanted to be a nurse. As a nurse, I will be able to provide the best patient centered care. With the education I can help others prevent illness and potentially save lives.

Having come from a family where I'm the first to go to college, this was a big accomplishment for me. I was not sure if attending college was going to be in my future or not, but I'm currently a nursing student about to start my second year. I was always a honor roll student and my studies are extremely important to me, so it was not too surprising to hold a 3.0 GPA through my first year.

With this scholarship, I will gain further education and be able to put that into action and help save lives and make a difference in my community.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jun 3, 2016   #2
Hi Kassandra, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family.
We aim to provide you with the most comprehensive and accurate feedback for you to be able to come up with an even stronger and creative essay.

First thing that I notice in your essay is the fact that you are missing minor details, such as punctuation marks especially a comma (,), you will need this in each and every essay or writing project that you would create, simply because, your readers need a break in reading your essay and to take in the idea that you are trying your readers understand. To further explain this observation, please find below;

- As a young child, death is a
- die, while growing up.

- Having comeComing from a
- family where, I'm the first
- this wasis a big
- I wasam always
- an honor roll student

There you have it Kasandra, I hope the insight helped and are useful in your revision. Should you need further assistance, do let us know and we will be here to help.
Jeremy Newcastl 4 / 8 2  
Jun 3, 2016   #3

In my opinion the structure is too simple. You need to reduce using helping words like: but, the a, as, etc. Widen your vocabulary and makes more plans before starting writing a paper. In addition, you can read this article, ams ure it'll give you more precise view where you can improve: studentscholarshipsearch/tips/scholarship-essay-tips.php

Good luck to you!
rods2292 3 / 5 2  
Jun 3, 2016   #4
I found the structure too simple as well.

Also, some of your statements were too general (i.e. As a nurse, I will be able to provide the best patient centered care. How you can do that? With the education I can help others prevent illness and potentially save lives. How? Explain more about how the education can help you achieve your goals )

You need to write 250 words (a short essay) and I don't think that it was a good idea to spend your first paragraph describing the envelope you received from university. It's best to focus on answering the answer. For example, after reading your essay I don't why your are enough qualified to receive the scholarship you're applying for and it's asked ("Explain why you are a qualified candidate and should be considered for the scholarship")

I believe you need to think more about what to write and make more plains before starting writing.
hanzy48 2 / 4  
Jun 5, 2016   #5

First, I think this essay too simple: simple plot, simple sentences.
then, about the structure of your essay. with 250 word you should have written a three-paragraph essay.
you don't have to spent lots of time to the intro in the short like this. :)

Good luck!

help with mine =>> essayforum.com/grammar/help-teach-put-unknown-quote-69240/
salam97 3 / 4  
Jun 5, 2016   #6
Hello @huskymom1355
ln addition to previous comments let me tell u something out of English language .
because it scholarship letter , u need to talk about ur extracurricular activities , in scholarship they care about activities as they care about GPA , in this way u will make ur essay longer as well .

hope u find this benefit .

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