What should I add?
Dear Provost Committee on Scholarship Review,
I am writing this letter of appeal in hopes that you will consider providing me with additional funds needed to cover the expense of a course taken during my co-op. I fully acknowledge that this is unconventional, and regardless of your response to this letter, I thank the committee for granting me the scholarship in the first place, as well as taking the time to read this letter.I hope that the following information will help you to understand my situation. First, I like to detail what the foundation year scholarship aid means to me. The scholarship has provided me with the opportunity to pursue higher education and my future goals as a global businessman as well as broadening my intellectual horizon. The scholarship, for me, was not the end, but just the beginning of me realizing my potential in pursuing my dreams. I've been able experience and partake in numerous things that would have otherwise been impossible. For example, studying international business and being a part of the immersion program and meeting countless individuals who have impacted my life dearly as well as having an impact on the community and campus.
In addition to that, in endeavors to achieve excellence in an effort to make an intellectual and valuable contribution across the globe. That why I have chosen the BSIB program and dual degree option. As a part of my degree requirements I am required to partake in a expatriate year and there are requirements pertaining to the classes that have to be taken before my application can be accepted. Unfortunately, after many requests my English classes from foundation year were not accepted. I have to complete an online advance English class before my departure and the most susceptible time is during the first portion of my co-op July 5- Aug 23. Completing this requirement during this time will allow me to submit my application for my expatriate year during the fall semester of 2017 and place me on track to continue my degree and graduate on time. Consequently, if I don't complete this class there is a chance my application will not be accepted and I will have to drop out of my program. At this point having to drop out of my program with just a short amount of time remaining would be detrimental to my academic success and future endures. In addition, to hindering me from using the scholarship aid in the most meaningful way. While I greatly appreciate the chance to attend Northeastern, I'm afraid I will be unable complete my degree and continue pursing my passion. I'm asking that given the circumstances, that the committee grant me this opportunity. I am serious about my future and I recognize that my degree is essential to attaining a future career as a global manager. Again, thank you for taking the time to read this letter, and I assure you, if granted financial aid, my education will continue to be my main priority.
William, I do have some corrections in the descriptions below which perhaps you can take as your consideration in revising this letter.
- ...expense of a course taken during my co-op. (never let the reader questioning your sentence of an essay. co-op? what kind of co-op?)
- ...read this letter. I hope... (a space between sentence(s) is needed)
- First, I would like to detailexplain what the foundation year scholarship aid means to me.
- I'veI have been able experience and partake in... (avoid using contractions for a formal writing)
- You've mentioned 'as well as' 3 times in a paragraph. Try to alter it to avoid repetitions.
- In addition to that, in endeavorsI have struggled to achieve excellence in an effort to make an intellectual and valuable contribution across the globe. (fragment, missing subject)
- ...to partake in aan expatriate year...
- ...my co-op from July 5th to August 23rd.
- ...if I don'tdo not complete this class... (another contraction problem)
- if I do not complete this class, (comma needed) there is a chance that my application will not be accepted, (since it conveys different thoughts, comma is necessary) and I will have to drop out ofgo out from my program.
- At this point, (comma is necessary)having to dropgetting outoffrom my program...
- In addition, to hindering meI have to hinder from using the scholarship aid in the most meaningful way. (hinder? check the meaning again. why did you hinder to use a scholarship in the most meaningful way?)
- I'mI am afraid I will be unable to complete...
- ...and continue pursingpursuing my passion.
There you are William, I believe that you still need a lot of works to be done in revising this essay. Do not hesitate to upload the revision here, so that we can check it further. Good luck in revising this essay :)
Hi Marquis, first of all, I would like to let you know that I'm quiet surprised with the purpose of this letter. It is indeed an unusual letter, unconventional if you may call it and in this light, I would also like to applaud you in taking the step of writing this letter as it is one of those letters that may or may not make it and you will have to be prepared for the outcome.
Now, what I would like to suggest is that, towards the end of the essay, you mentioned the consequences of not being able to continue with the program, as much as I would like this information to be included in the essay, I believe it can be paraphrased in a way that it will not sound as if you are warning the admission council that it will be there fault if you get dropped off of the program.
What I mean is, you should be able to revise this particular notes, don't get me wrong, this information is vital to the purpose of your essay, however, the format and the approach of the sentences can still be polished.
I hope this insights helped.
