Hi guys. So, I have decided to apply for KGSP scholarship for a doctorate degree through Korean embassy and need to write a self-introductory. While searching for an example, I have come across this website and thought the members can help me to critics and give a review on my introduction. I need to include the points below in my letter. The limit is one page.
Here it goes. Please comments and point out things that I can improve.
My Study and Korean Embassy Letter
Growing up as the eldest and the only daughter to an Islamic judge and a high school teacher, I was always taught to be responsible for my siblings and concern about the others' being. However, socializing around my families, cousins and friends made me realized there is a little ignorance on the issue of environmental care and how it can affect human's well being. I have seen my close family threw garbage into the river without hesitation, burnt plastic materials into the open air and throw small pieces of trash on the road during a drive. Since then, environmental issues and it's relation with human's health has always been my passion. I was determined to at least educate my family about these issues and make them realize their small actions sometimes will lead to a big impact on environment and their own health.
This passion of mine has leaded me to choose Biomedical Science as my major during undergraduate study. This course had taught me the way human's body works and the way it will be affected with any foreign material, either internally or externally. During my final year in this major, I had chosen Industrial Health as my minor. We were being exposed to the reality of the working world and the way these jobs will affect the environment and the well being of the workers, especially one working with heavy and commercial industries. After graduation, I had worked as hearing consultant at the branch in my hometown for six months. Although it was only for a short time and not really related to my field, I was taught on how to interact with the customers, my colleagues, and the senior executives in the company. I believe communication is important in any field and in any situation, formal or informal.
I had to quit my job as I got the offer to continue my study in Master of Engineering (Safety, Health and Environment). Since the beginning of my master's degree, I had a keen interest in Air Quality especially when I realized I am always stay indoor when at home or working and the indoor air is closely affected with the air from outdoor. Therefore, I made my mind and did a research project on Indoor Air Quality in work place. Doing the project has made me grasped that there is so much to explore in Air Quality field and I worked really hard to complete the project by staying overtime in the laboratory and attended a workshop to understand the equipment that I used to analyze the samples. Although I had completed the project, I literally realized it was still lacking in many parts especially the methodology and the analysis of the results. Besides, I had found that I can learn new things while doing research especially during the period of literature review. Furthermore, the haze episodes last year kept me in concern with Malaysia's current air quality state and how Malaysia is still lacking in the air quality research. These reasons have leaded me to make a decision to continue doing research in Air Quality and its relation to the public's heath by pursuing a doctorate degree.
I had first discovered about Korea when I was introduced to a boy band in 2006 and fall in love with the language through the songs. Since then, I keep on grasping the Korean language through songs, dramas and variety shows. Thanks to that, I can read simple Korean sentences and speak basic conversation by self-learning though there are still a lot more to learn especially when it comes to grammar and making proper sentences which have motivated me to choose this program to further my study. I believe Korean Government Scholarship Program will give me the opportunity to work closely with the top researchers in the related field especially after I had discover there are many articles published by Korean universities when doing literature review and the number has been increasing in environmental health especially in Air Quality field. Besides, with the advancement of technology Korea has achieved, there is always an opportunity to discover new methodology or improvising the current methodology related to the field. I am also amazed with Korean culture daily and working lifestyle especially when it's come to respecting elders and seniors and sincerely hope I can learn something from this lifestyle to be a better person. I also hope by completing a doctorate degree, I can use the knowledge that I had acquired to help people understand better of the current state of our environment, how it can affect our health, and things that can be done to improve our health and environment. The ultimate goal that I have is to continue doing research in any organization related to environmental issues for the sake of human's health and future.
Thank you in advance for your critics.Hi Amalina, my thoughts on your essay are the following;
- you have written a well organized essay, bold paragraphs and sentences
that answers the questions straight to the point.
- you word choice needs to be polished
2nd paragraph:
- This passion of mine has leadedMy passion has lead me to
3rd paragraph
- I had to quit my job as I got the offerchose ( to use the word "quit" in your essay is a negative connotation ) to continue my study in Master of Engineering
- on the last paragraph, I believe you can enhance this part if you talk about your futuristic however realistic goal
when you finish the program in Korea, the take away of this chapter in your academic adventure is definitely essential
in this essay as this will prove the outcome of your study as well as the impact of the program to yourself.
I hope my insights help and should you need further assistance, don't hesitate to write us.
Hi Amalina, judging from the original essay, I must say that this revision is written well.
You were able to revise the essay in a manner were you have injected the remarks that
you gathered from the contributors and your own modification, as you can see
there is a big difference from the original one, a difference that made your essay
even more meaningful.
For future reference, before giving your essay a go for submission or posting, consider
reviewing it, one more time, this will help you see the necessary modification if need be and
seeing it yourself will increase the chance of proving yourself to be a good writer and will also
boost your confidence in presenting more of your writing pieces.
I hope we continue to provide you with sensible insights and you keep writing.
