"Describe in one paragraph your most important volunteer work or community involvement and why it was important to you."
Can Someone possibly edit this for me please? I think it's a little too long for a paragraph, so any suggestion is welcomed.
I will try my best to edit yours in return. Thanks a ton! (:
Considered to be a well rounded student throughout my years in high school, the idea of balancing school work and extra curricular activities were of great importance to me. I believed that in order to be successful, one must be able to show that they are academically strong, as well as provide evidence of leadership, teamwork, and motivation. Knowing this, a majority of my time in high school was devoted to school functions, fundraisers, and clubs. During the past four years, one of the most significant experiences came from my involvement with the Kiva club: an organization for young students to initiate and support social responsibility by raising funds for third world entrepreneurs. Funds would be disbursed electronically through micro-loans and by doing so, would improve living standards. As an actively involved member since grade 10, I felt the need to take an initiative towards the club in my senior year; I decided to act as the co-ordinator for several fundraisers to raise money. Some of my involvements include directing contests, setting up promotional games, and outlining performances to collect donations. By doing so, we were able to lend our 500th micro-loan and a school wide celebration was thrown. However, out of all of the fundraisers that I lead, the most successful one yet was our Valentine's Day Rose & Candy-O-Gram campaign: raise money for Kiva through the sales of roses and candy bags. To ensure that this function would be effective, I researched the profitability and target market of this project, gathered up a team, and proceeded to promote and advertise. Although the organizational aspects were frustrating and orders were slow at first, sales eventually began to spike at an exponential rate. By Valentine's Day, profits reached over $200, the most ever raised at one fundraiser, adding to a total of over $1000 raised for Kiva this year. Through Kiva, whose mission is to alleviate poverty through sustainable means, we were able to benefit the lives of many living in poverty. My involvement with the organization is a good reflection of my character as I too want to better the lives of others with my abilities. As a prospective student hoping to inspire others, a degree in actuarial science would be the ideal hybrid since it would incorporate my entrepreneurship and leadership with my aptitude for the application of mathematics to help shape the economy, and the lives of thousands.
The example that you led a fundraisers on Valentine's Day, which faced some problems at first but the result is successful, is a good one. But, in my opinion, it is better to describe how you fixed the problems(" organizational aspects were frustrating and order were slow"), not just demostrate the result.
Good luck~
the idea of balancing school work and extra curricular activities were
The idea...------> was
So, this is like the theme for the essay: I believed that in order to be successful, one must be able to show that they are academically strong, as well as provide evidence of leadership, teamwork, and motivation.
And I like this sentence at the end: degree in actuarial science would be the ideal hybrid since it would incorporate my entrepreneurship and leadership with my aptitude for the application of mathematics to help shape the economy, and the lives of thousands.--Very good stuff. These sentences are like the substance of the essay. Make a little enhancement to one of these, and you change the whole essay. This is like the soul of the essay.
Can you make those two sentences more closely related to each other?
