Bill Gates Scholarship Essay #3: Due Jan 16th
In the history of America, there have been many forms of racial, ethnic, and gender discriminations. Since the 60's, most of these forms of discrimination have disappeared but some still linger. In my opinion, immigrants are a group of people who are still oppressed in the United States. Every day, Latinos, Africans, and other undocumented immigrants live in fear of being detained and deported. Because of their immigration status, these minority groups face low wage incomes, poor housing, and receive no government assistance.
I remember the day I saw the headline on CBS like it was yesterday. I recall almost crying when I heard it. Earlier this year, Daniela Pelaez, Miami high school valedictorian, with a 6.7 GPA was facing deportation because she was an illegal immigrant. Daniela had been in the United States since she was four years old. Everyone, including her principal, saw her as a good citizen and brilliant girl. Till this day, I still cannot wrap my head around why Daniela was being mistreated.
In spite of my boiling anger, I sought out to do something about this situation. I wrote letters to senators and representatives of my district and state to help stop the government from deporting Daniela. After 5 months, though I did not receive any responses, my heart and soul was at peace. President Barack Obama addressed the situation by amending the Dream Act policy to give undocumented immigrants (including Daniela and her sister) two years to future their education.
In my opinion, the Dream Act did not completely improve Daniela's situation, it only swept it under the rug for the moment. I do not know when this injustice will ever end. Right now, poor Daniela cannot even go to her dream university, Dartmouth College, because of her immigration status.
Deporting struggling illegal immigrants that mow our grass, clean our offices, and take care of our loved ones in the nursing homes is not only inhumane but is also nonsensical. Besides, everyone in the United States (except for Native Americans) is an immigrant! We all came from somewhere. If our great-grandfathers and great-grand mothers were deported when they first came to the U.S., we would not even be here. People label America as a "melting pot", meaning that we are a nation of different cultures. To me, what is the point of calling this nation "a land of opportunity" if we are deporting all the immigrants (law-abiding or not) out of the country and not giving them the opportunity to become citizens and to develop their potentials to make this nation better than it is for us all??
Please HELP!!
You shoulda put up the prompt as well
"In spite of my boiling anger," This statement doesn't make sense. Spite is to deliberately hurt, or the desire to do so. I also believe anger is weakness, so I'd use it as a adverb or adjective instead of a noun.
"e to help stop the government from deporting Daniela. After 5 months, though I did not receive any responses, my heart and soul was at peace. President Barack Obama ad" This doesn't flow that well. Something like "Even though I continued sending out letters, I didn't receive any responses. After five long months of worrying, President Barack Obama addressed the situation by amending the Dream Act policy to give undocumented immigrants (including Daniela and her sister) two years to future their education. Finally my heart was at ease." Just an idea, I'm sure you can do better.
The first and last paragraph are arguably the most important parts of your essay. Your last seems weak. The phrases in parentheses can be worked into the sentences. I'd refrain from using exclamation points. The last sentence is way too long. It should be concise and memorable. Consider rearranging the sentences so that it goes from past(pilgrims, Jamestown settlers, slaves) to present, instead of jumping from present to past to present again. And of course reworking the sentences so that the fit well in their new arrangement. Try to give the ideas a natural flow.
