I am applying for an international scholarship for an undergraduate degree. The deadline is 15th of January.
The question is:
Describe your academic objectives and indicate how these are appropriate to your long-range goals. Please include specifically how a Bachelor's degree from our university will contribute to your achieving your longer-range goals. (100-word maximum).
My answer was:
Financial freedom is the goal
Since the very first lesson in that computer programming online course I did years ago, I realized that is where my future is heading. Taking IGCSE and A-level Computer Science, Maths, Chemistry and Physics made computer engineering the perfect fit for both my hobbies and my future career. Getting a Bachelor's degree from your university in Computer engineering will be the best step towards achieving my long-term goal: Financial freedom. The goal that is beautifully crafted in my head. After researching and reading books, I realized that only having my own computer engineering business leads to this glory.
Thanks for your help, and I appreciate any comments and feedback.
BMaster, I would suggest you focus on another long-term goal as getting a Bachelor's degree from the University is not going to automatically give you financial freedom. I actually think you mention your true long-term goal in the last sentence, having your own computer engineering business. Perhaps talking about your goals for your business and then talking about some of the programs/courses that the University offers that would help you build your business and achieve your goals would be better.
Also, specify the name of the school instead of saying "your university", it'll make the essay sound more personal to the school :)
Thanks very much Jane, I truly appreciate your help. I have written another draft, so is this better. Having such a small word limit is a pure nightmare.
Computer engineering is what I am truly enthusiastic about, specifically artificial intelligence and mastering the logic behind robotics, both their software and their hardware. After reading books and listening to successful people in life, financial freedom became my target. I soon realized that having my own computer engineering business would be the best way to accomplish this since nothing drives me better than computers. Getting a Bachelor's degree from the University of ..... will, therefore, be a huge milestone towards achieving this goal, as my knowledge and experience in this field would never be as fulfilled from anywhere else.
Please tell me if you find any English mistakes, because the last paragraph doesnt seem right to me.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 12,280 3982
Saif, you are over complicating your response to the statement when you can answer this question in a few simple sentences without going overboard each time. based upon the 2 versions you have posted here, please allow me to offer my take on what should be your appropriate response.
As an enthusiastic computer programmer, I am looking forward to honing my software acumen as a student of Computer Engineering at your university. Since Artificial Intelligence knowledge, coupled with a mastery of the logic behind robotics will help me establish my own cutting edge and trailblazing computer engineering business, I do not doubt that taking the IGCSE, A-Level Computer Science, Maths, and other engineering related courses will help me create a solid academic foundation for my long term goal of becoming a financially stable person.
Please use the model above to formulate your own original response to the prompt. Just base your response on the vital, relevant, and applicable information that I indicated in the shorter response that I suggested as a model for you. Find something unique about the program you are enrolling in and try to include that information in the new short statement response that you will be developing.
OMG thank you so much for putting in the time to write me a perfect model answer! I truly appreciate it, thanks.
I will use your phenomenal response as a guide, alongside your comments, to write a new better one.