Hi IHaile,
I am so sorry to say that your essay is quite messy. For this kind of prompt, I advised you to go directly into the event of your failure.
I regard anything that I don't realize that I'm doing wrong to be a failure. It's not because I doubt my self-worth, or because I feel like I have something to prove. I push myself harder than I know my teachers will, because I want to be at that level. I want to be able to examine a project or a product that I've worked on and be proud, instead of picking out every little detail that I feel I should have done something else with.
For your opening, at first, I thought that you may want to talk about your overconfidence or your characteristic of caring every detail. Maybe those characteristic has made you fail to accomplish something. However, after this opening you started talking about your vulnerable state in your Spanish class, which made me so confused. May I ask what are trying to say in your opening :(?
I worked on my speech skills through actual presentation and making friends. I asked some teachers for help with my fear of public speaking, and they gave me advice that I still use today.
You talk about how the rapping in your Spanish class became your motivation but how? How is that your motivation? Is that because you feel rewarding after the presentation? Or is that because you feel so ashamed of rapping too bad in Spanish class? And then you talked about working on speech skills. How did you do that? I see you went to teacher for advice. What is the advice? What else you have done to make friends?
Also, because the question asks for your failure so describe more your failure to show them that it is a truly horrified failure in your life. And how you overcome that. :)
Hope this help