Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Scholarship   % width Posts: 6

Describe a figure or movement which has provided inspiration within your own life.


yan500 4 / 10  
Nov 19, 2015   #1
Hi, I need a review on this essay plus I want to know if it correctly answers the prompt.
Prompt: Describe a figure or movement which has provided inspiration within your own life.(300-400 words maximum)

Divorce, a ruin of the family unit that a child badly need in life. Being a single parent is never an easy task. But one figure who served as my guiding light and source of inspiration is my mother. I was just thirteen years old when my father divorced my mother. Being a victim of such situation, my father abandoned me as a son due to anger.

Most members of the community saw it to be impossible for a divorced woman like my mother to cater for a child looking at her financial state but she proved them all wrong. She never abandon me neither did she lost hope but rather found the inner strength to search for menial jobs. she woke up at dawn around 4 am and walk alone to the next town to get pawpaw then head back to slice and sell them on the road in order to make ends meet for the family.. She will return home only after she had nothing left for her to sell. When she returns back, she takes a nap before cleaning up. In the evening around 6 pm, she then sets off again to the street and this time not to sell sliced pawpaw but rather sachet water. She wanted her child to continue in school, provide shelter for me and food to eat so she never kept anything for herself.

My mother's life and her uphill struggle made me understood that she was doing everything for me and the least I can do is to make her proud of me as her child by becoming a better person in future. Her self-sacrificial life has inspired me to be hardworking and persistent, and also taught me to keep on hoping when all seems lost. She is my mother and continues to be my source of inspiration.

schoolboy124 3 / 5 1  
Nov 19, 2015   #2
The writing answers the prompt. You have written to the point and correctly. It is touching, i must say.
Hope these might help:
Divorce, a ruin of a family unit that an innocent child doesn't deserve
she returned home..
she took a nap..
she would again set off...
She wanted me to continue my studies. She worked to provide me food and shelter. she never kept anything for herself.
All the best!!
OP yan500 4 / 10  
Nov 19, 2015   #3
Thanks very much schoolboy for the review it helps.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Nov 19, 2015   #4
Yankey, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

On the 1st paragraph, change your 1st sentence to;
- Divorce is a poison that slowly kills a family.

2nd paragraph
-When she returns, (delete the word back as return already means she's heading)

Also, avoid using "but" in the beginning of a sentence, you can say "however" and refrain from using the same words more than two times like the word, "being", play with your vocabulary to increase the quality of your essay.

On a lighter note, I commend you for standing by you mother in times like this and in all the times she will be needing you, be there for her and your family will survive the odds of life.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 19, 2015   #5
Hi Yankey, I like the essence of your essay. However, the writing and presentation can be improved. So I did that for you when I revised your essay. I hope you won't mind that I did that. I was able to write the essay with only 349 words. The original had 307 words but needed polishing. By the way, can you explain to the reviewer what Paw paw is and why it had to be sliced before it was sold? That is something that the reviewer may be interested in finding out about. I can help you edit the essay again to fit the word count in a polished manner.

I was thirteen when my parents divorced, I came to realize that my mother was the only important person in my life that very same day because my decalred he would be abandoning me. She covered me with maternal protection and made sure that the lack of a father figure would not pose any harm or threat to me in any way. She became my mother, father, and financial source, the strong woman who headed our new age family. Even as those around us said she was weak and would be unable to care for me. She proved them all wrong.

Rather than losing hope, she soldiered on, waking up at 4 AM to go to her menial jobs. Finding her inner strength to go from job to job, even going to the next town to get Paw Paw, which she would slice and sell on the road, just to make ends meet for our family. She would only come home when there were no more jobs to be done or PawPaw to sell.

Coming home, she would take a quick nap and then leave again at 6 PM to sell sachet water in the street. All of her sacrifices were meant to help me. Give me shelter, food, and my basic needs, never thinking of keeping anything for herself. She thought I did not notice her sacrifices when in reality, I was being inspired by her actions.

Our life together has been an uphill struggle. My father abandoning us was the best thing that could have happened to me because it showed me who my true inspiration in life should be, my mother. That is why I have decided that her sacrifices shall not be for naught. I will become a better person because of her sacrifices, pushing myself to work harder than anyone else and persistent when it comes to pursuing my education. I am her inspriration to do well in life, she is my inspiration to do better as well. Together, we inspire one another to achieve the best that our life together has to offer.
qamar3811 1 / 8  
Nov 20, 2015   #6
Hi Yan ,
your topic selection is good, your writing describes the essence. i think you should review the grammatical errors. some sentences are in past tense and then their connecting phrases are in present.

also try to use punctuation.
for instance...
she never abandoned me, never did so lose hope
she woke up at dawn and walked alone to the next town
she would return home only after she had nothing left to sell
in the evening she would set again

and remove word 'around' when describing time. just use at 6 or at 4.
remove 'as a son' when your father abandons you.
consider these minor changes, it will make your peace objective and pleasant to read.


Home / Scholarship / Describe a figure or movement which has provided inspiration within your own life.