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"deserving party" - I am aware that only a limited number of students are granted scholarships


mithunpjohn 1 / 4  
Mar 10, 2015   #1
Application for scholarship for postgraduate study

Hi, i am new to this forum. Can you please help me with my letter? it is very urgent :(

Selection criteria:
1.Grades and ranking
2.Further academic and social achievements
3.Convincing personal reasons and motivation

Dear Sir or Madam,

I would like to apply for a scholarship for the duration of my studies at ABC. I am aware that only a limited number of students are granted scholarships. However, I am sure you will find me a deserving party.

I have always been a consistent performer in my academics and have always been able to maintain an excellent score of 80 % and above right from my higher secondary to my undergrad degree. I have managed to be in the top 10 % if my class throughout my education and always strive to better myself each time.

after edits:

To Whom It May Concern,

First I would like to express my appreciation for this opportunity to apply for scholarship offered by (uni name). I am sure you will find me a deserving party because of my excellent academic background, extra-curricular activities and interest in research.

Rather than learning for a grade, I learn for the joy and value of learning. This attitude has allowed me to keep my grades high and be a successful student. I have been a consistent performer in my academics and have maintained a constant score of 80 % and above throughout my secondary and undergraduate education, and was always placed in the top 10 % of my class.

In addition to my undergraduate curriculum, I took a Certification course named CoEDAS (Career Oriented Education in Design & Simulation), which focused on solving real-life design challenges using Computer Aided Engineering (CAE) technology, simulation-based analysis using Altair HyperWorks and New Product Development (NPD) and Virtual Product Development (VPD) processes. Due to my interest in pursuing my postgraduate study in Germany I have completed B1 level language proficiency at Goethe Zentrum, securing above 85% in each level of German.

During my tenure as school leader of (School name) (2009-2010), my colleagues and I have organized a wide range of events like school day, seminars by famous personalities, inter-school techno-cultural programs and the All-India School Athletic Meet. I was also a member of the college Road Safety Club and have organized many awareness seminars and programs. All this helped me develop organizational and management skills, while instilling in me a sense of responsibility.

I have opted for MSc xxx, because of my profound interest in machining technology. I would like to research on modeling of machining process for predictive simulation as it can help reduce machining errors. I believe the advanced masters curriculum and the interdisciplinary approach will prove highly beneficial for my research and career interests.

However, as a student, I have limited financial means. I come from a middle-class Indian family, so monetary support from my parents will be restricted. While a part-time job will help meet some of those expenses, I hope to focus my time and energy on the course and coursework. Therefore, a scholarship would be really helpful to me in both meeting living expenses and in focusing on the course.

In addition, I will get a chance through the scholarship to interact with students from diverse professional and cultural backgrounds drawn from all over the world. The exposure is important for interaction and integration of diverse ideas and perspectives pertaining to various global issues

Based on my excellent academic record, leadership potential, and active participation in a myriad of co-curriculum activities, I believe that I have made a compelling case for granting me this scholarship. Once again I am grateful for considering my application and I look forward to a favorable reply.

Respectfully,

Mithun P. John

dquinlan11 - / 16 7  
Mar 11, 2015   #2
From a scholarship application standpoint, I think I interpret the 3rd requirement (3.Convincing personal reasons and motivation) differently from how you've done so here. To me, it looks like your paragraph towards the end that begins with "The living expenses in Germany are much higher than in India." describes your current hardships. However, I think what the prompt is asking for what motivations and reasons for pursuing this education/scholarship set you apart from the rest of the applicants. So instead of making what may sound like a plea for scholarship money because of your financial situation, I'd think of how your motivation to excel and contribute to that academic community that's unique to you, instead of detailing your financial situation (because the truth of it is, probably everyone applying for this scholarship is financially hurting as well, so this doesn't differentiate you from the other applicants). You might consider including a short anecdote that details your commitment to doing well here.
lilatte - / 1 1  
Mar 11, 2015   #3
I am no master of grammar, but here are some suggestions in phrasing:

"I have shown excellent and consistent performance in my academics with a constant score of 80 % and above throughout my secondary and tertiary education , and was always placed within the top 10 % of my class ."

^ this helps to remove some phrasings which I thought were redundant and awkward. You may want to indicate your class size to emphasize how hard the feat is... eg. if your class is out of 100 people, you'll be in the top ten. To qualify for scholarships, it would be best if you are placed in the top 15% of your school, although I'm not too sure how lenient is the scholarship that you are applying for.

In the next paragraph you have mentioned that you are a member of so and so society... is it a club? You may want to mention any leadership position you hold, or any significant role you play, unless you're just a member. You may also want to state the exact title of the certification on design and simulation for clarity.

Moving on to the next paragraph, you mentioned that you were a school leader. You may want to state when and where u were a school leader (in uni or secondary? In what faculty?)You may also want to mention significant, large scaled events that you have taken a huge role in organizing, and some details on what you contributed and how. Again with the Road safety club, you may want to state some examples of the events you organized, and maybe your position as well if there is anything significant (secretary? project manager? itenary planner?).

Additionally, you may also want to include any academic competitions that you have participated (eg. olympiads..nationals..) to make yourself stand out. Also state any academic award of significance that you have recieved. Last but not least, I highly recommend that you read through the whole letter and regroup your paragraphs.

Some other glaring phrasings I spotted:

"However, as a student, I have limited financial means. I come from a middle-class Indian family, so financial support from my parents will be limited ."

^ don't repeat a word twice in the same sentence, it shows your limited vocabulary. Use an alternative word with the same meaning.

"Based on my excellent academic record, leadership potential, and active participation in a myraid of co-curriculum activities , I believe that I have made a compelling case for granting me this scholarship."

^ 'other records' makes a vague summary that creates an unimpressive conclusion to the reader.

Despite adding more details, make sure that overall, your letter is not lengthy, but still conscise and on point.
OP mithunpjohn 1 / 4  
Mar 12, 2015   #4
I have made some corrections. Feel free to provide suggestions :)

Dear Sir or Madam,

First I would like to express my appreciation for this opportunity to apply for scholarship offered by (university name).

I am a graduate of University of Kerala holding a degree in Mechanical Engineering. I have shown excellent and consistent performance in my academics with a constant score of 80 % and above throughout my secondary and undergraduate education, and was always placed within the top 10 % of my class.

...
lynzee22 - / 90 37  
Mar 12, 2015   #5
Start with to "Whom It May Concern" It sounds more professional while sir or madam sounds very fancy and kind of frivolous.

Dear Sir or Madam ,To Whom It May Concern,

I would like to apply for a scholarship for the duration of my studies at ABC. I am aware that only a limited number of students are granted scholarships. However, I am sure you will find me a deserving party.because.... (add three main points here. This will also allow your reader to follow your essay clearly

I have always been a consistent performer in my academics and have always been able to maintained an excellent score of 80 % and above right from my higher secondary to my undergrad degree.
OP mithunpjohn 1 / 4  
Mar 12, 2015   #6
lynzee22

Thank you very much for the reply. Actually I have posted a corrected version above but i think you didn't see it. Could you please check it also? i will accommodate the corrections you mentioned earlier in my next draft. Thank you.
OP mithunpjohn 1 / 4  
Mar 13, 2015   #7
Hi, this is my new draft. Could you help me with the thesis statement? I am not able to come up with a good one. Also, how can i make the conclusion better?
lynzee22 - / 90 37  
Mar 17, 2015   #8
Hello,
sorry about the mistake earlier, but I am glad that my corrections were still of some help to you.
Here is some more feed back:
Your thesis is good. I can follow your points clearly from that. Great job!
You also have a strong conclusion. One correction: Once again, I am grateful foryou are considering my application and ...

Overall, you did a great job. Just a few grammitcal and technical suggestions below.

I have been a consistent performer in my academics

During my tenure as a school leader of ( you do not need to mention the years attended here. That should be in the rest of your application.

colleagues and I have organized a wide range of events like school day,
OP mithunpjohn 1 / 4  
Mar 22, 2015   #9
@lynzee22

Thank you very much.


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