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I have a desire to make a great things; UWC experience

Asem 2 / -  
Oct 31, 2014   #1
i am going to apply for the uwc scholarship and i want your opinions please in this essay .

1. What do you think you will gain from a UWC experience and what will you bring to the UWC colleges?

I am from those persons who have something inside them that says you must not sleep every day before you do some thing that give its weight in the society. I believe that the humans came to this world for doing some thing and giving some thing to the people so I have a desire to make a great thing.

By entering the UWC I will be able to make my dreams truth and achieve my targets. I have a big dream which needs a good education and which I will find it in UWC . my dream is like a basket in the basketball game it is high and very narrow goal it needs a big force, too much focus and resoluteness so I will gain my force from UWC and which is knowledge and education and a will learn focusing and resoluteness from the life style new friends new cultures and languages, there I will have new friends and we will teach each others our cultures and languages and this is what I like.

The best thing which I liked in UWC is the diversity which I like it you can have Italian friend talk with him English and learn with him about American culture and play African games and sing Chinese songs you will feel that the world is not only a one country where all people live happily and peacefully.

By this experience I will be depending on my self with out my parents which is a new and strange thing so I am amazing to try that because I like doing strange and new things and discover and learn from that all. From that I will get self confidence and I will have a strong character which will help me to run towards my goal like an arrow moving to his target.

From the experience I will learn to help my nation and my society and the international society and work for a peace world.
There in the campus I will be always ready to help and serve my friends and all UWC members we will be there as a family in one home and be good friends and work hard for all.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 31, 2014   #2
Asem, the essay is not informative at all. If you are planning to use it for a scholarship application, it is not going to work. You have not truly discussed anything about your future plans in college that could depict the kind of impact that you wish to make in the world. Though you implied it, you never stated it flatly. You need to make them believe that your plans to help mankind will be the reason that they should consider giving you a scholarship. Maybe it is a breakthrough program or project that you feel will put the university on the map, or an activity that will highlight the mission and vision of the university alongside your own. Whatever your reasons, you need to state it clearly because the readers cannot read minds. Now is not the time to be mysterious, now is the time for direct statements. You need to revise the essay in totality because because nothing about it works. Not even your statement about the diversity of the school campus. Instead of focusing constantly on yourself, talk about how the diversity will help you with your learning process. Discuss your strong points as a student and as a person. Do not show any weakness such as telling them this will be your first time living alone and what skills you wish to develop during this time. Try to develop a stronger essay for the benefit of this prompt and the chance at the scholarship.

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