Unanswered [6] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES
  

Scholarship   Posts: 6

"The determination to succeed will bring the power to overcome any challenge" - facing hard life


Alao0702 3  
Apr 7, 2018   #1

Commonwealth Personal Statement



Please supply a personal statement, of no more than 500 words, that summarises the ways in which your personal background has encouraged you to want to make a contribution to development in your country. You should indicate areas in which you have already contributed, such as in overcoming any personal or community barriers to higher education

Like Nelson Mandela said in one of his quotes, that "the determination to succeed will bring the power to overcome any challenge", my resolution to succeed in the face of life's terrible circumstances has been an invaluable ingredient in my strive for excellence and the betterment of others.

Having being born into a family of six that relied on a limited financial resources for survival, I had quickly learnt the moral etiquette of appreciating the little things I have while making efforts to get more - an important lesson which has helped me to comfortably withstand the pressure that came with growing up among wealthier contemporaries. Due to the meagre family income, I was enrolled in one of the private secondary schools, which offered the cheapest school fees, at the outskirts of town. More so, the constant delay in the payment of my mother's salary was a huge barrier which affected my class attendance, as I missed many classes due to delayed payment of my tuition fees, and was only availed by the home tutorials conducted for me by my brothers, coupled with my strong academic competitive trait, to catch up with class works. However, the drive to work for the betterment of others wasn't ignited in me until my fourth grade. My dad, together with other employees across the country, had just lost his job to an unreasonable compulsory retirement, which subsequently led to my withdrawal from school due to the paucity of funds. (...)

(...) I developed a lot of concern for the indiscriminate waste disposal by residents into a small stream which ran through the community. The stench which oozed from the huge waste pile made breathing fresh air almost difficult.This consistently raised a question in my mind - how do I address the unconscious threat to the environment?

The first year of my (...) environmental safety club. Moreover, my involvement with the environmental safety club brought the realisation of the exigency of environmental issues intervention in Nigeria and the invaluable requirement of an advanced knowledge for purposeful impact on the environment.

As a way of developing (...) across the globe. I worked with the Environmental Community Outreach (ECO) group of the initiative to propagate, in communities, through organized seminars and lectures, the need for an eco-friendly environment in facilitating a healthy human lifestyle.

Conclusively, I have (...), my plans to make purposeful impact on the environment will only be a "pipe dream" without a financial aid.
Asphodel 2  
Apr 8, 2018   #2
1
This sentence is better presented in simple past tense which reduces the complexity and makes it easier to understand:
Having being born Born into a family ..., I had quickly learnt ... lesson which has helped me to ... pressure that came comming with growing up ...

2
It's a little abrupt that you mentioned "withdrawal from school" in the last paragragh and jumped to the "completion of high school"; and also the tense is a little confusing:

... education, I had lived started to live with my ... and taken up took up the job of a...

=============================================
If you think any point that I made was incorrect, please let me know, because I'm not that confident with my own written English.

Still I'm happy to help.
OP Alao0702 3  
Apr 8, 2018   #3
Thanks Asphodel for your kind review......you comments and corrections are valid. I will make the necessary amendments as suggested by you.
Holt [Contributor] 1542  
Apr 13, 2018   #4
Alao, for starters, you can lose the Nelson Mandela quote. It doesn't really serve a purpose along the lines of the prompt requirement. There is no need to be wordy in the essay since it is limited to 500 words. Be direct to he point in word limited essays. The reviewer will not waste time wading through information that does not directly inform him. He could decide to stop reading your essay instead. Next, since you are claiming a scholarship, avoid indicating that you went to a private school. It does not matter if you went to a second rate school or if your tuition payments were late. The point is, you went to a school that would still be deemed unaffordable to most of the citizens in your country, thus negating your need for a scholarship. Now, since most reviewers will not believe the statement you made about how you made "feeble" plans for your studies when you pulled out at grade 4, it would be best to simply mention that your father was "retrenched" not retired as retirement means the end of the working career of a person and that does not happen until the person turns 60, you just mention that you pulled out of school when your father lost his job. Nothing more, nothing less. In some instances, such as this one, too much information will be bad for your application.

Your essay neglects to fully develop how you addressed the waste management problem in your community before you became a member of ME.MI. You need to show the development of your concern for your community by becoming a non-NGO attached , socio-civic conscious member of the community first, which then led to your membership in the organization. Your participation in the group is too vague. You need to prove that you are a contributing member to the group by showing your individual contribution to the group / community activities as well. Once you apply these corrections to your essay content, the work should be ready for use.
OP Alao0702 3  
Apr 13, 2018   #5
Thank you very much for the review. I will make the changes and post the revised form as soon as possible.
OP Alao0702 3  
Apr 15, 2018   #6
kindly find my revised essay below

Born into a family of six that relied on a limited financial resources for survival, I grew up consistently baffled about ways I could contribute towards improving my family's standard of living . However, the drive to work for the betterment of others wasn't ignited in me until my fourth grade. My dad had just lost his job to an ill-timed retrenchment, which subsequently led to my withdrawal from school (for a year) due to the paucity of funds. As a young inquisitive mind who craved for change, I had questioned the unfair incidence which led to my dad's lay off. I remember writing down my plans to address the situation. Although, these were uninformed solutions from the teenager which I was, these however, were indications of my preparedness for the development of my problem-solving ability for greater things to come.

After the completion of my high school education, I worked as a salesboy in order to save enough money to assist my parents with expenses regarding my undergraduate programme which would be starting towards the end of that year. It was during this period that a new passion to effect change was triggered in me. I developed a lot of concern for the indiscriminate waste disposal by residents of my community. Hence, I joined the youth environmental sanitation group and actively participated in the weekly communitywide environmental sanitation exercise.

The first year of my undergraduate program was rigorously challenging; It entailed sharing my time between long lecture periods, working as a part-time tutor to raise money to cover living expenses, and performing my duties as a volunteer for an environmental safety club. My involvement as the public relations officer of the club saw the completion of an environmental sanitation project, which started after I wrote to the school management about the need to address the constant littering of the university premises with trash. Moreover, my membership with the environmental safety club brought the realisation of the exigency of environmental issues intervention in Nigeria and the invaluable requirement of an advanced knowledge for purposeful impact on the environment.

After graduation, as a way of developing the environmental skills set required to deal with the trending nationwide environmental issues, I volunteered for the "My Environment is Mine Initiative (ME.MI)"- an initiative created with the motive of championing a clean, healthy and sustainable environment through a synergy of environmental enthusiasts across the globe. . As the leader of the Environmental Community Outreach(ECO) group of the initiative in my locality, I was able to coordinate, through close interaction with team members, several environmental awareness campaigns to surrounding communities.

Conclusively, I have a strong desire to create a conducive and comfortable environment for people to live in, and to improve the everyday lives of people. However, given my humble background, my plans to better the lives of others will only be a "pipe dream" without a financial aid.


Home / Scholarship / "The determination to succeed will bring the power to overcome any challenge" - facing hard life