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I am determined to get my degree and have a rewarding career afterwards. Plans for the next 4 years


chikomm16 5 / 12 3  
Oct 24, 2016   #1
please assist me to check if there is any grammatical error and whether this essay answers the prompt

If you do not receive the scholarship, what are your plans for the next four years?

The desire to make ends meet on daily basis has always been the ultimate goal of my family. The financial deficit weighed down my family so much that finishing school, be it primary, secondary, or tertiary, was never a sure thing for my sibling and I. Yet it never deterred us from dreaming of and achieving ambitions that went far beyond the abilities of our station in life. Our determination to change our lives for the better has always been the propeller behind everything we do, regardless of disappointment, failure. That is why I know that even if I am unfortunate enough to not be awarded this scholarship, I will never give up on my ambition of university. Although it will be rough and may linger, I am determined to get my degree and have a rewarding career afterwards.

Presently, I am on full time teaching job to help my family with our immediate needs. I work harder than everyone else in the family because I am been propelled to cater for my own educational needs. More so, I know that without this scholarship, I will triple my efforts to work and earn the money needed to fund my university degree. Working part time and studying is not atrocious attribute for one to have and in my case, it will be only way that I can achieve my goals and ambitions in life.

Firstly, I will support myself because failure to do so, there won't be a reason for other people to desire to help me either as the saying goes "charity begins at home". So I will have to allow the change to begin from me, figuring out the perfect balance between work and study.

Sincerely, working and studying at the same time could have an adverse effect on my academic fortune. Provided I do not fail in any of my courses, then I have not failed as a student which I know that I will eventually achieve my set goals. Though, ''I walk slowly, but I never walk backward'' says Abraham Lincoln. Therefore, with or without this scholarship, I will by no means surrender my enthusiasm for going to university in order to have a fulfilling career. I have started making inquiries on procedures to earn my degree at indigenous university. I won't give up because it's not over; perseverance is the key that unlocks hidden treasures.
yjung17 8 / 20 2  
Oct 24, 2016   #2
I have to say I loved your essay! I especially love how you added some quotes in there.

For the sentence with Abraham Lincoln, maybe this would sound a bit better, " Abraham Lincolns quote, "....." is something I have chosen to live by."
prajain 2 / 6 2  
Oct 24, 2016   #3
maybe replace indigenous with prestigious in last paragraph

"Sincerely, working and studying at the same time could have an adverse effect ..."
This can be written in a positive sense. Rather than focusing on haven't failed it would be better if you could say smth like

Although working and studying is an obligation to me, I have always seen it as an opportunity. And would like to continue down this path and educate younger minds. Afterall, ''I walk slowly, but I never walk backward'' says Abraham Lincoln.

Help me with mine University of Pennsylvania Supplement essay. Any edit would be highly appreciated.


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