In my life, there has been dark moments and bright moments but , I guess that's part of life. However, I have learned from them and it has made me a strong person in life it has taught me the values of things, and to see the world in a different way. All of that thanks to the greatest sport in world soccer. During Freshman year, I joined the school soccer team, It was my first time actually playing with a team and I didn't know if the coach was going to choose me because I hadn't had any experience with any team, The only experience I gain was practicing by myself. I remember waking up at eight in the morning every day and going to this field close to my house and staying there for hours just practicing. But I was confident with myself because I knew that all that hurt work would pay off. So, I end up making the team my freshman year plus I got put in the starting line, something that I was not expecting. So, that year I receive an award for been the most Improved player in the team I feel really proud of myself because the achievement I had done. I knew all that hurt work paid off and that came me more motivation to work harder.
My sophomore year I got the opportunity to play with the JV team something that I will never forget because that season was the greatest season I had ever had. That year we won the district cup for the JV team and we won the Santa Fe tournament, It was a great year for the team and for me also because I became the second best top score on the team. Something that I didn't imagine it was going to happen to me. And then my junior year the varsity coach want it me to play for the varsity team something that I was really proud of myself because that was one of my goals since freshman year, and I had accomplished it because of my hurt work and my dedication to become better.
Soccer has made me become a better person In life, It has teaching me that in life there is no short cuts its either you have to work hard and fight for what you want and not give up or you will be a failure and failure is one of the things I have improved because of soccer. So the person who I am right now, a hurt working person a person who likes to achieve is goals and likes to fight for his goals that's what I have become and that's what soccer have made me become. This is why I consider myself different from others.
Hi Rudy, you can see my contributions in detailed descriptions below, especially about grammatical range and accuracy part. I hope you can follow through my feedback.
1st paragraph:
- ...moments and bright moments but I guess that'sthat is the part of life. (comma is unnecessary, and avoid using contractions. Contraction(s) makes your essay looks less formal)
- ...I have learned from them,(who is "them" here?) and it has made me a strong person in life because it has taught me the values of things, and to see the world in a different way.
- All of thatthose thanks to the greatest sport in the world, soccer.
- I joined the school soccer team, Itit was my first time actually playing with a team and I didn'tdid not know if the coach was going to choose me because I hadn't hadI had not had any experiences with any teams . The only experience that I gain was practicing by myself.
- ButHowever, I was confident with myself because I knew that all that hurthard work would be payed off. SoThus, I ended up making the team my freshman year plus I got putby being placed in the starting line, which was something that I was not expecting at all . (you need to avoid using FANBOYS, For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So, in the beginning of the sentence. These are coordinating conjunctions, it can make your essay looks less formal)
As you can see Rudy, I hope by seeing my feedback, you can also revise the whole essay to be better. Most mistakes were the same, and therefore you can use my corrections as a guidance to revise your essay. Good luck for that :)
Hi Rudy, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family.
Below are my suggestions and modifications that will hopefully help you enhance the revision of your essay.
- In my life, tT here has been dark
- moments and bright moments in my life but ,
- However, I have learned from them
- strong person,in life it has taught
- me the values of things, and to see the world
- All of thatT hanks to the greatest
- sport in the world called soccer.
- I hadn'thaven't had any experience
- But I wasam confident with
- myself because I knew that all that
- hurthard work would pay off.
- So, I end up making the team on my
- freshman year plusand even
- I got put in the startingplayed front line,
- So, thatThat year I receive an
- award for beenbeing the most
- becausefor thisthe achievement I had done .
- I knew all that hurthard work paid off
- and that cameit gave me more
There you have it Rudy, I hope you find the corrections useful and valuable to your revision. As you can see there are still a lot of work to be done, mainly in choosing the right words the will express the ideas you have in your head.
I hope to review your revision soon.
Thank you for your help and please if there are any subjections please correct me.
