Essay 5
Discuss a leadership experience you have had in any area of your life: school, work, athletics, family, church, community, etc. How and why did you become a leader in this area? How did this experience influence your goals?
Words=1000
I know this easy isn't organized well, so I really need help on organization. It just needs a lot of work to be honest! I haven't finished the conclusion!
I have always enjoyed being a leader in my school. Ever since elementary school, I can remember being involved in leadership clubs like student council and the honors society. I love being in these clubs because it means my voice matters and can make a difference in my school/community. Going from being a class representative my freshman year to the class president my sophomore year, I truly learned what it means to be a leader.
During my eighth grade year, I was selected as a class representative for my upcoming freshman year in high school. As a class representative, my main job was to gather views from my peers regarding various issues and communicate them to members of staff. Once a week, a few select others and myself met with the club sponsor to discuss what the students wanted to see different within our school. As class representatives, it was also our job to come up with fundraisers to further support our class.
Being involved in this club really opened my eyes to how I can make a difference in my school. I loved being the communicator between the students and the principals. Whenever a student had a problem, I cherished the feeling that they knew they could always come speak with me. No matter what the concern, I would try my best to make sure I fought for what the student wanted. People often describe me as someone that goes after what they want, and I always did just that with a positive mindset. Being a rep my freshman year showed me that I enjoy helping others in any way I can. I loved it so much, that I decided to run for class president my sophomore year.
When I decided to run for president, I was told I would have to write a speech and deliver it in front of my entire class. The winner would be chosen by my peers' vote. At first, I was very nervous to run for president. I am not afraid to speak in front of people, I was more nervous of my competition. You see, I have gone to a predominantly white school ever since I can remember. My preschool, elementary, middle, and high school only consisted of about 20% african americans. It wasn't always easy being black in a mostly white environment. Stereotypes played a major role when it came to making friends. I have always been a people person, so once people got to know the real me, they saw that I was just like anyone else. Even though I was running against a "popular" white female, I realized that as long as I spoke what I truly felt, I had nothing to worry about. Having that type of mentality did me justice because I ended up winning the presidential race.
I can't even describe the feeling I felt when I was elected as class president. I overcame many stereotypes and I was ready to make a difference in my school. Not only did I want to be a voice for the underrepresented african americans, but for my entire class as well. As president, I knew I had an exciting yet busy year ahead of me! Now that I was a class officer, I was now on the principal's advisory council. All of the class presidents met with the principal once a week to discuss changes students wanted to see. During the holidays, my principal asked me to come up with a fundraiser for children in need around the St. Louis area. No great leader works alone. I had an amazing team by my side that consisted of a vice president, secretary, and a historian. Together we were able to take on this challenge head first.
I approached my team to help think of creative ways to get the school involved. One of the most important characteristics to insure success is to be creative. Since it was around Christmas time, we wanted to do something festive, but nothing to basic. Together, we came up with the idea to package hot chocolate in the shape of candy canes, and to send them out with grams. This way, you could send a little holiday package with a nice message to your friends.
Being a leader isn't about doing everything yourself. It's important to be able to communicate with your team and work together to get things done. While running the fundraiser, I divided the work up evenly with the team, that way everyone was taking a part in getting things done. We had some people physically creating the packages, others were making the cards, some measuring the hot chocolate, and some were keeping track of the number of grams we made. This way, not just one person is doing everything. Being a good leader is not about handing out orders and bossing people around. Instead, it is about working together as a team and being an example. A leader must be a role model, the kind of person that everyone else looks up to and wants to be like. No one wants to follow someone that is bossy and controlling. People wants someone that can work with you and help you reach your goals. As the leader, I walked around and helped the different groups with whatever they needed help with. I was also sure to monitor things to make sure they got done by our deadlines.
Our fundraiser was highly successful in that we sold over 900 grams. I believe I did my job as a leader by staying focused and determined. When given a task as a leader, it is important to also be aware of your visions and goals. Our vision was to get people involved in a fundraiser for charity. Once you have a vision, you must be determined to achieve it. It helped to be organized, approachable, and resourceful to my team. Leading my team with rewarding qualities helped us reach success.
After this experience, I learned what being a leader is truly all about.
Hi KianaMarieKiana,
I couldn't help but notice that this was a Gates Millennium Scholarship essay. Having said this, I feel that your essay is really strong and insightful. You offer two major examples that showcase your persona as a leader and contributor. Thumbs up for that. You also do a good job making it an easy read for the reader as your writing does not contain so much high level vocab. I know this may sound bad, but trust me your reader would appreciate reading something that is clear and understandable without having to get stuck on a word they may not know.
Also, I loved how show explained being in a predominantly white school through most of your academic life and how there were times when you felt uncomfortable because you did not have many individuals of your background to assist and help you. Even though this is good, I feel that it does not add much to what the prompt is asking you to do. Try making it brief , instead. In making it brief you will be able to communicate it significance and also shortening your essay to be more concise.
A word of advice would be for you to tighty up your essay as ideas seem to be in many different parts of the page. Read the essay to yourself at least five times, which was what I did with mine, just to make sure that one you do not repeat things you've already said and two that similar ideas are found in the same paragraph rather than broken up.
Good Luck.
Brayan F.
Kiana, as I read through your essay, you do have some work to do, particularly in streamlining the idea and the
structure of the essay. Whenever I'm facing this type of difficulty in my essay, I do the following;
- reflect on the prompt
- write as much draft as I can
- itemize my ideas, the introduction, the body and my conclusion.
- in the items, I also make sure that I go on full details, specially in the body of the
essay, I dedicate about 2 to 3 paragraphs in order to highlight the information, may it be
activities, volunteer work, achievement, etc.
- in the conclusion, try to be personal, adding a little character and your true color to the essay
is something that intrigues the reader and make your essay more appealing.
I hope my remarks helped and should you need further assistance, we will be here for you.
