I have a dream to work globally; STUDENT EXCHANGE APPLICATION; Dankook University

somebody, could you help me to edit my essay? Give me some advices?
this is the instruction : ★ Please type or print your plan for your study at Dankook University on this form in Korean or in English.
I will submit this essay before 5 of November 2013. A Big thanks for the one who helps me :')

I am so excited when begin writing this essay section of student exchange application. Joining exchange program to South Korea is one of my biggest dreams. I have a dream to work globally in the field of visual communication design and achieve Master of Design in order to travel around the world with self confidence. After all, I strongly believe that before I graduate, it is essential to have an opportunity to study visual communication design in an abroad university to achieve my goals. Dankook University hopefully could be one of my jumping stones to achieve what I have dreamed before.

Well, if Dankook University given me chance to get a golden ticket of this exchange program, there are some plans I want to do. In Dankook University, I will spend much time studying design with a great mentor and awsome friends. Not only that, I also would like to willingly participate in activities out of the university (i.e study excursion by visiting some building of design, historical building, cultural site, learn about Korean culture, language, etc).

I knew as a designer want to be, I need to broaden my mind in order to add more refference and experience directly from the incredible design place, South Korea. I also would like to know about Korean culture, language, and ethnicity. Then vise versa, I also would like to share about Indonesian culture to peoples in Dankook University. Moreover, making new friend from foreign country is another purpose of me to join this program and hopefully someday, when I have a big project of design--I could collaborate with them. At last, After I came back from study exchange in Dankook University I aimed to share about what I have gotten to my friends in my home university.

It is better to use "Besides" than "Not only that".
"Study excursions" rather than "study excursion". Note the plural form of "excursion".
Hope that helps.

.... I don't find that this sentence provides any value addition to your response.


If I get the golden opportunity to join Dankook's exchange program, I intend to study design under the guidance provided by a great mentor.

I don't understand the connection you try to highlight your plan and the friends. I think you should come up with a stronger plan. The things you have mentioned sound too general and not very specific. Think and outline a plan that you intend to follow if you get an opportunity to take part in this program.

oh, thanks a lot, I'll fix it :)

dumi: thank you :)
so, should I just delete the first sentence of my essay?

could you give me some idea or example how I could come up with a stronger plan?

I've revised it!! how it looks like?

I have dreams to work globally in the field of visual communication design, specifically as a graphic designer for children pragram in television stations and also as a graphic design agencya. Another one is achieving Master of Design in order to travel around the world with self confidence. After all, I strongly believe that before I graduate, it is essential to have an opportunity to study visual communication design in an abroad university to achieve my goals. Accordingly, by joining exchange program to Dankook University in South Korea, hopefully it could be one of my jumping stones to achieve what I have dreamed before.

If I get the golden opportunity to join Dankook's exchange program, I intend to study design about how design communication visual as a visual language for delivering messages or informations could delivered effectively to the peoples; developing logical thinking to effectively deliver information visually; and acquiring intuitive creativity in converting and rearranging information into images under the guidance provided by a great mentor. Besides, I also would like to willingly participate in activities out of the university (i.e study excursions by visiting some building of design, historical building, cultural site, learn about Korean culture, language, etc).

I knew as a visual communication designer want to be, I need to broaden my mind in order to add more refference and experience directly from the incredible design place, South Korea. Further, when I will be there, it is possibe for me to learn about Korean culture, language, and ethnicity. Vise versa, it is going to be my first experience to share about Indonesian culture especially about Palembangnese as my ethnicity to the peoples in Dankook University. Moreover, making new friend from foreign country is my purpose to join this program and hopefully someday, when I have a big project of design--I could collaborate with them. At last, After I came back from study exchange in Dankook University I aimed to share about what I have gotten to my friends in my home university.