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The economy changes the world. Letter of Introduction - KGSP

Quadorup 1 / 1  
Mar 5, 2017   #1
Please, Someone correct my errors

My quest to initiate good changes

I am Fashina Quadri. I came from a lower class Nigerian family. As it is being said " no one would have crossed the ocean if he could have gotten off the ship in the storm. My family has been able weather the sun to see the sunshine being bond with love through the thicks and thins, as growing up and being educated has really been challenging for my family. Being a family of eight with my father being a peasant automobile electrician and my mum being a petty trader.

My father, though a peasant automobile electrician had strong desire in ensuring his children acquires formal education despite his low means. His effort, tenacity and commitment to this course steered up an aspiration in me to recreate my economic environment and created a new view of life that whatsoever is what doing at all is what doing well.

This desire in me to recreate my immediate environment and World as a whole made me develop interest in economics as a subject in secondary school. Having been taught by my teacher that a well formulated and implemented economic policy could change the status of the poor like my father and bridge the gap between the rich and the poor.

In order to deepen my knowledge of Economics , I enrolled for a bachelor of science degree program in Economics at the Federal University of Agriculture Abeokuta. During the course of the program, I engaged in numerous extra- curricular activities like the representation of my department in a debate competition, being a member of my department handball team and I also served as the public relations officer of my department's association. Although combining these with my academic pursuit was a bit challenge but I pulled having learnt multi tasking skills from my family. Moreso , my determination to cause in change in my environment combined with hardwork and commitment made me graduate on top of my class with a CGPA of 4.58 out 5 grade point.

During the mandatory National Youth Service Corps, I worked as a graduate assistant in the department of Economics in UNIJOS where I assisted the head of department in gathering research data and conducting of lectures and continuous assessment test.

My quest to initiate a change in my country economic environment made me apply for this program as I seek to have both the theoretical and practical knowledge of development policy and its workings that has transformed countries like South Korea to become the eleventh largest economy in the world.
nana123 1 / 6  
Mar 5, 2017   #2
My family has been able, weather the sun to see....

you need put coma (,) to separate 2 different thing.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,562 3753  
Mar 5, 2017   #3
Fashina, you need to work on your opening paragraph and the second paragraph. The information in these two paragraphs should be consolidated into one statement only since these discuss the same topic which is, your family background and the influence your parents, specifically your father, had on you. Review the first 2 paragraphs and take only the most important and relevant content for the new opening statement.

Your paragraph about your mandatory national service, which led to your working in the Economics department should be expanded. Aside from the regular office work, what kind of economic experience did you gain as a worker in the department? Did you get to read economic policies or submit some ideas regarding how to help improve the economic state of your country? Add information about where you are working at the moment and how it relates to your college background as well.

Please double check your grammar use throughout the essay. You have hanging sentences in the first paragraph that make no sense to read, as well as mistakes in capital letter usage in other parts of your essay. Since you have to do some major revisions in your essay, I am just calling your attention to these mistakes so that you will be conscious of it when you revise your current work.
OP Quadorup 1 / 1  
Mar 5, 2017   #4
Please, some one help me with the correction of my errors.
And please is salutation needed for a Letter of introduction?

I am Fashina Quadri, born into a small home of a lower middle class Nigerian family. My family has been able to weather the storm in order to see the sunshine, being bond with love through thicks and thins, as acquiring formal education was a hard nut to crack for the family because of insufficient means of funding. (...)
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,562 3753  
Mar 6, 2017   #5
There is no need to format this essay as a formal letter unless you want to. While it is termed a "letter" it is still nothing more than an essay that responds to specific prompt requirements. There are no set rules for the formatting of the essay. That is something that is all up to you. Whichever format you feel is most appropriate to use for the essay is the one that you should implement.

As far as the actual essay is concerned, it is acceptable to a certain degree. That is because the "reasons" for your study in Korea is still a missing paragraph in the essay. What you have stated at the moment are the "motivations" behind your desire to study in Korea. The reasons why you decided that Korea would be the best place for you to study is a different discussion that does not share the information as your motivation. Develop the reasons paragraph at the end of the essay in order to create an almost final version of your essay which will just be waiting for final approval.

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