Education, a tool for altering change.

Vangiespen, here is the new thread. I hope this one goes a long a way in answering the prompt. I changed the font of the key words I used in prompt.

Prompt: Story- write on a topic that is Important you and reflects who you are.

*- Here is a new introductory paragraph, I intend writing "Education" as a topic that is important to me and reflects who I am (Someone that wants to make tangible change through education)

*- I left second paragraph because this is a scholarship and other essays didn't provide space to express my financial background and need for a financial support.

*- conclusive paragraph, I try to describe how education reflects who I am. Good? What do you feel?

I believe that education is a tool Africa needs to alter tangible change, economical and technological. From elementary school, I always thought education is just going to school, learning and graduating. But as I am getting matured, I came to realised that education transcends the classroom and graduation. I now know that education is a tool, a tool used by great men to alter change. So, if I happen to describe myself. I will simply say "education craver" I have been craving for education right from my childhood, even when I don't know its true definition. Recounting the boundless struggles, rigors and challenges that bound my dreams of acquiring education, I am always motivated to strive and do more.

Fourteen year ago when my father lost his job and my mother was unemployed. Things were so difficult that my siblings and I, had no hope of acquiring formal education, so we were homeschooled. But my mother, who didn't had the opportunity to went to school and don't wants her children to encounter same problems she encountered, she had to ventured into selling of plucked mangoes on the street and combing working as a domestic worker in wealthy people's home, to enrolled us into free public school where I completed my elementary and secondary education.

Having father who doesn't have a degree to search for job nor have materials properties to give to his children. But he thought of education as the best legacy he can give to us, to sustain us throughout our lives, with this urge he joined a group of market workers just to support our education and make ends meet. Fortunately, his perseverance paid off when someone introduced him to cab work, where he works as a cab driver and makes cash delivery daily.

Apart from how education has shaped my intelligence and competency. After graduation from high school, the vision of acquiring tertiary education looks blur but I recounted how my parents used to tell us that their lack of education limited their effort in live. I stood positive and started working as a sales person to put up savings for my own educational needs and helping my family with our immediate needs. Initially I planned to work for many years to put up funds for my education, figuring out perfect balance between work and academics by engaging in tutoring in my leisure time, thereby renewing my academic stands. But I now believe that God made me found the X scholarship as a way of compensating my perseverance.

All these rigors and orientations have shaped my overall sense of future direction, influence my hope for the future and it has made me realised how education is important to me, my community, my country and a Africa as a whole and how it will make me stands as the pinnacle of hope for my community, Nigeria and Africa as a whole, to alter significant changes technological, economical and empower me to liberate my community from influx poverty. Education, an important tool to me.

- Just say "I believe that education is a tool... Rather than writing a quote from yourself. It is not acceptable to quote yourself in this kind of paper. You can quote other people but not yourself because you are supposed to be the main voice or reason, logic, and thought in this essay.


- As I matured, I came to see that education transcends the classroom and graduation.


- Your what lost his job? Revise this whole paragraph. It needs to be better written. Use one paragraph for your father and one for your mother in order to better discuss your financial situation.

Let's fix these problems with the essay first and then worry about the word count and grammar errors. These suggestions should help us get started with the review and revision of your essay.

- This paragraph lacks clarity in terms of a thought process. Stop trying to mention education at the start of every sentence. This is a scholarship essay. So talk about your dreams and ambitions and how being home schooled first made you think that maybe you had a chance to eventually attend free school. Until your father lost his job, your mother had to work, and you together with your siblings lost all hope of ever getting and education.

Right now the essay needs to have a focus Adeyemi. Is the prompt that you provided the complete prompt? What are the core values of he scholarship you are applying for? Have you considered better aligning your essay with those values in order to create a more thought out and well written essay? Sometimes using our personal experience, such as in your case, tends to make the essay go into one too many directions and as a result, the work loses focus. Right now, there is a clear lack of focus in your essay. You seem fixated in your father losing his job and your mother supporting the family. The problem is that it does not gel with your ideas about the need for Africans to have an education. You need to connect the story of your parents lack of education with your own desire to pursue higher education in order to best explain the reasons that you feel the way that you do about the state of education in your country.

Vangiespen thanks, here are another modifications on blue fonts.

Yes this is the full prompt--- write on a topic that is important to you and reflects who you are.

The program focus on economic disadvantage people circumstance correspond to the lowest two quantiles of their country and have dream of giving back to their country.

There are numerous grammatical errors in your essay at the moment because you changed the wordings that I had presented in the template. However, those errors can be overlooked because the essay gained your voice in the process. This essay already reflects the person you are and what is important to you. Go ahead and use it, errors and all, because those errors show your need and desire to attain a higher education. These are the reasons that you wish to enroll in college, you want to improve who you are and work on improving the plight of other uneducated Africans. Good luck with your application :-)