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Embassy track - SCHOLARSHIP Personal Statement

shahriar10 3 / 5  
Sep 14, 2018   #1
Hi guys~ I am going to apply KGSP for Bachelor study. This is my personal statement for the scholarship. It would be very helpful if you guys give me some suggestions, comments and show me my mistakes. Thanks!

Personal Statement for KGSP

It was a year ago when a senior brother, graduated from the most reputed engineering university of my country, while tutoring me and my friends, asked us if we also had wanted to go for engineering like him. I was one of them who raised a hand. His face looked dull. He cried, "Nobody will give you fund to research or make a car here. Why become an engineer when you can make yourself more competitive in job market in Bangladesh from Business Studies major? You can go for...." He added other options to go for and then said, "There is hardly any scope for engineers in this country." He looked frustrated, the very similar look I often see in the face of engineers here.

This had struck my mind more than anything. It's untrue that I wanted to pursue Mechanical Engineering from my childhood. A Pressure vs Volume Graph from the topic "Ideal Gas and Thermodynamics" in a Physics test set my aim to become an engineer, when I saw I was the only one to get a "Very good" compliment on my answer script, being able to answer a very creative question mostly unsolved by everyone in the whole college. I remember getting 60 marks only out 100 which was obviously less than the highest mark. But the teacher was amazed to see my answer. I knew that compliment was not written even on the answer script of the student got highest in that test. This event and attraction towards Math and Science led me to choose engineering. Students in my country studying in engineering majors often have to strive for their future. It's a harsh reality that there are hardly any well equipped laboratory and research facilities in my country. Inadequate funding for research and lack of scopes for practical knowledge has led the universities become like high schools. Students graduating from engineering majors come out; some of them go out for higher studies and those who cannot, end up their life with no potential scope of expressing their potential here. There is hardly any machine manufacturing industry here. We buy old cars from developed countries and recondition them. The whole machines necessary for different industries are to be bought at a high price. So I want to be a Mechanical Engineer in which the mentioned scenario is very much visible. Through KGSP program, I can gain both practical and theoretical knowledge in South Korea properly which is nearly impossible in my country. Through this, I want to change the scenario of my country one day. I want to come back with the knowledge I gain one day and fill up the missing factors for the students studying engineering in my country so that maybe a day will come when students from my country don't have to go abroad anymore like who are interested in engineering.

Talking about my family, my father and mother are role models for me. While other parents pointed the poor people in the society to their children saying, "If you don't study properly, this will be your condition," my parents pointed the same to me saying "If you don't study properly, you won't be able to change their condition." My mother is the person who left her job for taking care of my studies, under whom my elementary education had started. I have two more elder brothers, who are the most supportive persons for me, my best friends. And it's the most important person of my life who had come to this world when I was in grade 5, my younger sister. Now she is 9 and I never require another reason in my life to do better in my career having a younger sister to care of. I am totally a family-oriented person. I help my father, who is a teacher, often has to prepare exam sheets, notes etc. I have been helping him typing his notes in the computer, helping him in his job. It's not even unfamiliar for me to start helping my mother in her cooking. There are quite a few days when I myself had cooked breakfast when she was ill. There is nothing I do not share with my brothers. I bring my sister home from school often just like my brothers did for me. All these have led me to the conclusion that being together among friends and family makes you stronger than anything else. They are what I live and work for, the source of inspiration in my life. I have completed my primary and middle school education from one of the best institutions of the country, Ideal School and College, Motijheel. Then I have passed my Grade-12 passing board examination HSC from the best college of the country, Notre Dame College. I remember my father hugging me with tears in his eyes, seeing I got 200 marks out of 200 in Higher Mathematics in HSC. I have a very good proficiency in English as I have completed my studies all these years in English.

I used to be a cub scout in primary school. I remember being the captain of the best team at a Cub Camp in Grade 5 in my school. In college, I had joined Notre Dame Science Club. I had to volunteer in and organize events like Annual Science Festivals in the college, where students from the whole Bangladesh used to participate there. Then for hosting such a big event, I had to go to different Govt. and Private Companies of the country too for getting sponsors and run from college to college for registration. This experience was a whole new thing for me as I learned how to communicate. Being a teenager at that time and going for deals and agreements, negotiating with adults, writing sponsorship proposals, these experiences have taught me about office environment, formal behavior and manners which one learns through a year of job experience. I was also one of the designers for publishing annual journals, wall-magazines and magazines of the club. When it was normal for a grade 11 student to study and move on father's money, I used to go and tutor privately a school student and earn my own pocket money instead. I still now teach high school and college students, earn money. I teach a few students freely whose financial conditions are not so good. In leisure, I sometimes code. I have a good knowledge on C programming and HTML. I have participated in different multiplayer gaming competitions and became champions too though e-sports at the moment, is not a recognized sport in our country. When one plays a competitive multiplayer game, he has to involve in various tasks which are fully team-combination dependent. So maintaining gaming as pastime has not harmed me but improved me in various aspects. I've made myself expert in designing and graphics for which I was the appointed as the Vice President of Notre Dame Science Club. I am an efficient team worker, self dependent and a person with integrity.

Last year when I had applied for KGSP through embassy track, I wasn't even selected in the first round selection since I had no English proficiency test certificate. I couldn't even afford the courier fees to send the application abroad at that time by myself let alone IELTS or TOEFL fees. I was in despair after that, life felt cruel to me. My father wanted to help me but I denied taking that. I asked myself, "How can I afford to live on my own abroad when I cannot even apply for the scholarship on my own?" So I did not give up. I wanted to do things on my own. I had started to tutor more students after that and earn as much as I could. I have been earning my pocket money all these days, buying my mother monthly insulin for her diabetes, my younger sister every small things she wishes for and much more. I have issued my own passport recently and managed the fees at least to send my application to a regional university this year. My parents had hinted me that my money in sending application might go in vain and I might not be selected this time too since I don't have English proficiency test certificate. I said to them, "Isn't it the happiest thing for me that I'm able to apply this year on my own when I couldn't even do it last time? So I'll." My parents knew, "I never gave up on my targets".
Phoenix91 1 / 2  
Sep 15, 2018   #2
Your English is very good! it is a shame that you did not get chosen. However, one of the criteria is why Korea and not other countries. While you did speak about why you cannot study in your country, you have not really talked why Korea. Also talk what attracts you about Korea. Maybe also about other things that you are good with? Maybe don't dwell so much on your family connect. While they sure are important, you should focus more on achievements. Also, since this is a formal essay try not to start sentences with 'and' as that is more conversational.

Good luck!
OP shahriar10 3 / 5  
Sep 15, 2018   #3
What I focused on is the my real motivation to apply in KGSP. Everyone knows that South Korea is a good opportunity for studying since for the very same reason I am applying here. So I found it requires no further explanation that South Korea is this South Korea is that.

What I think is better that we use our lines and words (Which are limited as you know) in our story which describes ourselves more rather than South Korea.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,981 3867  
Sep 17, 2018   #4
Shahriar, since you have a friend who is a KGSP passer, I thought you did not require my professional help. From my experience, the students who are applying for this scholarship who happen to have KGSP passer friends tend to argue with the advice that I give them because they ask for the opinion of their friend regarding my advice. Hence my decision to ignore your essay. Not only that, but you also chose to say, in an indirect manner "thanks but no thanks for your advice" to Narayani who was only trying to help you with some pretty good advice. All the more reason that I am apprehensive to help you. It is obvious that you have your own mindset when it comes to what you want to tell the KGSP reviewer and what the prompt information is asking for. Your essay reflects that total disregard for the required information from beginning to end.

Do not write that you want to say. Write what the prompt requires. It would be better for you to discuss your academic accomplishments from high school because that is when your real character as a person and as a student begins to take shape. That is when your ambition in life becomes more solid, believable, and doable as well. Or, since it appears that you are going for a secondary bachelor degree, your accomplishments as a first major bachelor degree student. That would sound more impressive. The motivation for your study in Korea is not optional nor should you disregard it as you explained in you response to Narayani. Explain the motivation from the aspect of why a Korean education would be best for the major that you wish to study.

Delete all the references to your not passing the first time you applied for this scholarship. That is an unnecessary and wasteful use of the word count. Your whole essay must be rewritten. Write a totally new one that responds to the prompt requirements as indicated. Not what it is you want to tell the reviewer.

This is all advice coming from someone who has successfully helped numerous KGSP applicants get their scholarships through this forum. My advice should be taken as is or not at all. The choice is yours.

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