ENDEAVOUR LEADERSHIP PROGRAM - Development of individual's knowledge and expertise.

Hi! I'm applying to this scholarship and would like to know if you could give me any feedback with my essay responses. Thank you so much in advance.

Development of individual's knowledge and expertise. (maximum 300 words)
Explain how the proposed activity will assist your professional development

an invaluable contribution to my career and my future

The Master of Environment will assist in my professional development by providing specific and detailed knowledge, skills and tools in the field where I'm truly passionate about and expand myself upon this area. As the workforce evolves and there is more people getting involved in the environmental field, it is important to stand out from the rest and this is a great approach to achieve this. With my proposed Leadership Activity, I'll become more competitive by dedicating myself to enhance my industry expertise.

Today, is more difficult to launch a dream career, so I believe that this will help me progress to the next stage, arising my employability options, strengthening my skills sets, acquiring new ones and improving my analytical skills, therefore becoming a better problem solver. Furthermore, I'll be able to relate to a group of like-minded persons with great networking opportunities with individuals and organisations within the environmental field, which may potentially lead to a professional career in the future.

By doing this Activity, I'll gain not only knowledge and be updated by the different subjects I'll enrol to, but also by putting in practice everything I know in my internship, improving my leadership skills and my ability to work with multidisciplinary groups. I'll be able to collaborate in the elaboration of plans and strategies for the conservation and restoration of our endangered natural resources and manage the territory, especially considering how threaten our planet is by climate change and strong economic development, which has lead in several natural disasters, land use change and a massive biodiversity loss.

I'm confident that at the University of Melbourne I'll study under world-leading academics and professionals, with hands-on experience, theoretical coursework and group work, hence this will be an invaluable contribution to my career and my future both professional and personally.

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Thanks !!!!
Javiera

You've done a prospected application to the scholarship with range information and your belief to acquire skills and extend yourself.
But I think that your essay is quite lean to the same tone of praising and promising. You can either denote some of your detriments and then point out the solutions based on your theory. You can close your dynamic impulse to reality by stating some real problem and solve them to make your essay more convinced.

Hope it brings benefit.

Javiera, you should try to relate the actual internship experience with your professional development. By this time, you should already know what the objectives are for the internship programs and how that training is going to take place. Discuss the internship in detail if you can. Relate the activities that have a direct effect on your professional development. Your current discussion lacks a definite reference because you are speaking in general terms most of the time.

The prompt asks you to explain how it will assist your professional development and that, is best done through examples with a reference to its actual application in the performance of your profession. This type of prompt requires specifics in its response. What you are presenting are generic assumptions, which do not help to push your response along in a manner that properly displays the benefits of the activity in reference to your professional development.