the wizarding world
My favorite fantasy world is the wizarding world, just like in the famous Harry Potter storybook. A colorful magical world, besides the dark forces always threatened. I will study well in that world, immersed in dozens of potions, magic, and spells. Living with the same passion is always what every student desires. For me, being able to live in a magic world is my greatest desire, although there are also many difficulties and challenges.
I will study well in that world, to be a good person, to be well-known and to be willing to extend my hand to help those who are poor or needy more than I am without being shy, like Hermione Jean Granger.
I will be brave, loyal, intelligent, and selfless, able to control my temper, not lose my temper, just like Harry James Potter.
I also will be a good friend to everyone, often a comforter, always loyal and not betraying my friends, like Ronald Bilius Weasley.
And I also wish I could meet such a wonderful person as Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, a man with profound knowledge, brilliant talent, kindness, humor and always insight. Professor Dumbledore rarely appears impatient, always surprisingly calm in any situation, which is the first thing I want to learn if I see him.
Although this is just my dream world, a dream that never comes true, I always try to make the values I say above come true in the world I live in. Where people are slowly becoming cold to themselves, their families, relatives, and friends. The place where we are gradually losing the basic qualities to become a useful person.@thaotrang
Hey, welcome to the forum. I'm here to provide you with feedback on your writing. I hope that this feedback becomes helpful for you somehow.
First and foremost, the introductory paragraph is packed with details. While this is great, you need to work a bit more on the structure of your writing. Immediately, the first two sentences appeared to be rather cluttered. If you cannot work with complex compositions yet, I heavily recommend sticking with shorter and simpler content first to help you compartmentalize your thoughts. Immersing yourself in this writing style would definitely benefit you.
The manner in which you had structured the central body of your essay also needs to be more organized. You can't merely put everything into a cluster and hope that it flows. Try to be more specific with your writing. While I get that you were attempting to make numerous comparisons to showcase dedication, the pattern of writing appeared to be rather toorepetitive in some areas already.
