An exceptional achievement, essay for NUS undergrad scholarships

Please help me look through the essay and tell me how to improve on it. Thanks.

Describe, in less than 2000 characters, an exceptional achievement that highlights your academic interests and intellectual capacity that would be of value to the NUS community.

I have been intrigued by science since I was little. I had my first lab experience only in Secondary 2 as there were no practical lessons back in Myanmar. Instead of getting cold sweats, I was so excited and thrilled just to be in the lab. Since then, I have always known that I want to be a researcher and have always been on look out for opportunities.

This long-awaited opportunity came when I was in JC where I learned about the Science Research Programme (SRP) offered by NUS. I couldn't believe myself when I found out that I was selected as it is a very competitive programme. I did a research project on "Determination of trace level organic acids, polybrominated diphenly ether, aromatic amine and paraben content in human cyst fluid" and gained valuable research experience while working under my mentor in NUS. It was really tough at first as I encountered many unfamiliar topics. I had to read up more on these topics independently while at the same time, catch up on regular school work and CCA. My perseverance paid off as things became easier to understand and comprehend. I discovered that I actually enjoy learning and analysing the data obtained. I was also able to utilise my intellectual capabilities since I was not being spoon-fed by the teachers as I was in school.

My SRP project was also shortlisted for Singapore Science and Engineering Fair (SSEF) 2009 poster presentation. It gave me great pleasure when I rehearse and practise together with my fellow schoolmates from Science Council for SSEF. Although I did not win, I have already achieved a great deal of experiences from SRP, and I am proud of myself.

This burning passion of mine for science and research will be of value to NUS community where there are full of rewarding challenges in research. With the "never say die" attitude that I have developed from SRP, I will be able to have greater achievements and make NUS proud. This can also add on to NUS spirit that is full of passion.

I was also able to utilise my intellectual capabilities since I was not being spoon-fed by the teachers as I was in school.

This program gave me the opportunity to exercise my imagination.

This burning passion of mine for science and research will be of value to NUS community where there are full of rewarding challenges in research.

I want to spread my burning passion among my future colleagues in NUS community. The rewarding environment would help me get the best out of me(or sth like that)

I hope it helps.

...on look out for opportunities. --- I really like your use of this phrase. It could be like a theme for the whole essay. It appears at the end of the first paragraph, so it will linger in the reader's mind a little betwen paragraph 1 and paragraph 2.

Maybe you can use this phrase again near the end of the essay, too.

...I was also able to utilize my intellectual capabilities since I was not being spoon-fed by the teachers as I was had been in school.

My SRP project was also shortlisted for...---- maybe in this paragraph, you can add something more about staying on the lookout for opportunities.

Nice job! This is already a great essay.