Describe the goal, your involvement and the outcome of one significant community leadership initiative in which you played a role (100-word maximum).
Playing a role in leadership, I was an executive and co-founder of the Information and Communication Technology Students Association (ICTSA). The group was created due to the low-level in ICT among students in the community, our drive was to support, teach and inspire students toward attaining in-depth competency in the subject. Being one the officials that has immense knowledge in ICT and awarded the overall best ICT student for the 2012/2013 academic year, I was always chosen to tutor students. There has been a virtuous outcome as we have tutor and support students to excel both technologically and academically.
Please I want a review of this essay.
Nana, this is an interesting response to the prompt. You just need to develop the information a bit more and remove some parts that are unimportant. Let me point out which part I believe you can delete and make suggestions as to what can replace it.
You can go ahead and delete this line:
Being one the officials that has immense knowledge in ICT and awarded the overall best ICT student for the 2012/2013 academic year,
You already said that you were an official in the first sentence. So the next sentence should describe your duties and responsibilities. You don't need to talk about the awards you received because that is not relevant to the prompt being addressed. What was your job as the executive and co-founder? What were you expected to do aside from tutor students? Did you need to help raise funds for the group. Mention and discuss that in about 2 sentences.
Mentioning that you tutored students is good for your response. It shows a duty and involvement in the community on your part. The first part and last part of the response is good. It gives a clear response to the prompt. The only problem I see with the essay is the aforementioned line. It can be better and I know you can improve it within the word count :-)
Thanks Vangiespen. I will edit it and post it here.
if you want to write related to your leadership experience, you should consider about your challenge to become a leader in your organization.
and your essay not contain about it.
firstly, actually, you must show one of serous problems in your organization when you still become a leader, and explain your threat, solution, measurements to deal with this problems. if need, explain also why you took this measurement
The second, organization is one of place to collaborate with other members of the organization, you can depict about your relationship with them and how do you collaborate with them.
thirdly, in each organization definitely has several levels of position start from members until the leader or executive. and your position is co-founder or executive, please tell your coordination with other divisions
@Nana, I read your essay and I feel bad that there is a word count restriction as this will limit you in writing a far greater essay than you already have.
However, let's dice up your essay and hopefully we can enhance it without going far from the limited number of words.
- Playing a leadership role
in leadership ,
wasam an executive...
- ..our drive
wasis to support,
- ...students towards attaining...
- Being one of the officials...
was always chosen to tutored students.
-...we have tutored and supported students...
There you go, I hope this helps!!!
- The group was created
duein response to
- the low-level of number in
among students in the community,
- students towards attaining in-depth competency in the subject.
These are my thoughts with your revised essay. Aside form the fact that you were straight forward in the informations needed I believe that the revised one is absolutely better than the original one. I'm glad that you take suggestions and critics seriously and you take action at the same time.
I hope I was able to help.