leadership in the immigration office
Hi, I would like to repost mine again because it got deleted for unclear title, I am applying for Chevening and would like to know suggestion to strengthen my essay below, any help is appreciated, thank you.
Every person has their own leading moment, in my own personal belief and my religion, human beings are responsible for themselves at the very least. I believe that leading means reaching your own goals, through your own hands or cooperating with your peers toward common goals.
When I was in high school, i have interest in extracurricular activity named "Islamic Spiritual" or "Rohani Islam" (in Indonesian), I brought this activity as a subject with some of my friends where they still puzzled which activity they should join, and when I pitched that it's a good experience to learn more religious subjects, they agreed, thus led them to join "Islamic Spiritual" as their own extracurricular activity.
Also in said activity, there was a session which we shared with different alumnus every week. I thought it would be good opportunity if we had a particular alumnus as mentor to share few more Islamic lesson or life as college student. Because I like to listen about other people's stories, I asked him to share more lesson, but in different day which would be Friday after Friday prayer.
At first, members of this activity limited to me and my friend, excluding my mentor, there were only three of us. But I have some friends in my mind that might be interested in this, so I asked them to join me, and fortunately, they are interested, thus they join us every Friday.
Now in my workplace as Immigration agent, I meet with a lot of people and they come from various countries and places. With its load of passengers, somtimes there are people that needs more accesibilities. I was inspired from many signs in public transportations and places in Jakarta for special group of people and I would like apply in my workplace. As we know in Soekarno-Hatta International Airport, there are various lines for passengers, such as Indonesian, Foreigners, Disabled, Sky Priority and so on.
I think, I can optimize the Disabled line for more groups, before, the Disabled line used for Disabled people only, but I include more like Expecting Mothers, Mother with Infants, and Elderlies. I suggested this to my Section Head and fortunately he agreed and approved it to make Disabled line includes more group.
I believe that being a leader is not all about position or title, although that is quite powerful to have one. But for me to be a leader is all about inspiring people to do the same, or make people who have more power above you to make real change so it can be impactful and useful for others.@spideymaniac
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. Thanks for being here. Hopefully, my feedback will give you insight on how to improve your writing.
First and foremost, I find that the structure and manner of writing here is quite messy. For instance, the lack of proper paragraphs makes it a bit harder to follow your writing. Because of this reason, I heavily recommend that you try to focus more on building content with that mindset in place. When we tackle other parts of the writing, try to always follow a "thesis statement - supporting facts/details - conclusive remarks based on the thesis statement" formatting to enhance how academically appropriate the writing truly is.
As for the content itself of your essay and its body, the writing is alright. What I think you should work on is trying to make everything more organized and prioritized. Once you get that out of the way, you're good to go.
Hi @spideymaniac, similar with @Maria I found it difficult when I read your essay. At first, I thought your essay consist of 1 background, 3 main idea / examples, and 1 conclusion. But, you made the main idea into several paragraph that made me confuse when read it.
For the beginning, I think you should fix your essay structure. You could create it like this (example):
Introduction/Background -> Paragraph 1
Main idea/Examples -> Paragraph 2, 3, etc
Conclusion -> Last Paragraph
