Please point out any mistakes i have made
i would really appreciate it
my name is RXJ
Which of your experiences in voluntary community service have you found to be the most satisfying and why?
After first participating in the 30 Hour Famine, a world-wide event in which participants fast for thirty hours to fight world hunger, three years ago, I felt obliged to spread the awareness and became the leader for the event in school. Although the event only takes place for 30 hours, but the planning and organizing take months; I had to deal with every little thing. All the hard work had paid off; over $5000 was raised in 2008 and 2009. It was rewarding to see that through my event, over 200 students, who barely know one another, were united and turned into good friends to end world hunger. From promoting the event, engaging members, fundraising, getting support from teachers and sponsors, to tracking volunteer hours, leading awareness activities and creating an organizing team, I have grown in every way. By learning to be more organized, committed, responsible, and tentative, I have become a better leader, problem solver, and communicator. Here is no doubt that saving children and gaining valuable experience, more than the Chinese doll I received from my parents or the large bag of candy my sister presented me, truly brought me a sweet stream of thorough pride and satisfaction. I was elated to get a taste of hunger for thirty hours, because I know with the awareness and money that have been raised, fewer children in world will suffer from hunger. I am very ecstatic that I, an ordinary high school student, could make difference.
Although the event only takes place for 30 hours, but the planning and organizing take months
-take out the word but, it doesn't sound correct
teachers and sponsors, to tracking volunteer hours,
- no comma after the word sponsors
eating an organizing team, I have grown in every way.
-reword that, it does not flow well
Here is no doubt that saving
-did you mean there?
good essay, just needs a little tweaking
Let's zoom in on this one:
...felt obliged to spread the awareness and became the leader for the event in school.
I crossed ou "the," because you can just say: "to spread awareness".. usually people don't say "spread the awareness."
Also, when you say you felt obliged, what do you mean? Do you mean "compelled" or "motivated" or "passionate?" You could say:
...felt so passionate about it that I wanted to spread awareness and...
Yes, and I see that you wrote Here instead of There, but Rachel already corrected that...
:-)
