Hi reviewers, I want a review in my essay.
Prompt: If you do not get the Scholarship, what are your plans for the next four years? (300-400 word maximum)
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work" - Thomas Edison. Ever since my parents divorced, our financial problems saddened our family so much that finishing school, be it elementary, secondary or tertiary was never easy for my sister and I. However, it never kept us from dreaming of achieving whatever goals that went far away from our capacity of our financial bracket in life. We have been determined to change the life of ours in everything that we do, in spite of failure. Despite the fact that it will take me more than four years to get my college degree, if I am not lucky enough to be awarded this scholarship, I will by no means surrender on my long-term dream of going to university and having a gratifying profession later on plus continuing to render selfless support to giving academic teaching to the young ones in my community.
Presently, I work part-time to contribute financially to the family. Looking at my family's financial state, I am pushed to work harder in order to provide for my own educational needs. Therefore, if I am not awarded this scholarship, I have to put in my maximum effort to work harder and earn the money I need to finance my university education. To me, combining work and academics is not a bad practice and in my condition, it is the only option I have got in order to achieve my aims and aspirations in life. Consequently, I have to be steadfast to help myself so that others will see my hard work and be willing to help me either.
It is a sure thing that combining work and studying could affect me academically but with hard work and perseverance, I will by and by achieve my long expected ambitions in life. Therefore, with or without this scholarship, I will not give up on achieving my college dreams, I just have to work harder and longer to reach it, and I know that the end will be well deserved in my life.
Words: 349
Below is a different construction I have on the last paragraph and I want a review to know the one which best fits in the essay.
It is a sure thing that combining work and studying could affect me academically but with hard work and perseverance, I will by and by achieve my long expected ambitions in life. That is why if I am fortunate enough to be awarded this scholarship or not, I will not capitulate on achieving my long-term dreams. As Abraham Lincoln once said "Slowly I walk, but I never walk backward", therefore, I just have to work harder and longer and I know the outcome in the end will be worthwhile.
Emmanuel, in my opinion, your essay could actually be shorter and more prompt responsive if you just eliminate the unnecessary information in your statement. Just answer the question directly and do not deviate. You don't need to mention your parent's divorce and its effect on your studies. You should have already presented that in the essay about why you feel you deserve the scholarship. That is irrelevant to your response to this prompt. I took the liberty of editing the content of your essay to make it more prompt responsive. By the way, I found your first concluding paragraph to be better than the second one you developed. Here is my version of your essay (187 words):
If I am not lucky enough to be awarded this scholarship, I will by no means surrender my dream of going to college in order to have a personally fulfilling profession later in my life. Not receiving this scholarship will pus to work harder in order to provide for my own educational needs.
Therefore, if I am not awarded this scholarship, I will have to find a way to be able to afford the tuition fee on my own. It may mean looking into other student aid and loans programs offered by the government and university, or I might need to simply work more shifts or jobs in order to afford the fees. These are the only options I have in order to achieve my aims and aspirations in life.
It is a sure thing that combining work and studying could affect me academically but with hard work and perseverance, I will by and by achieve my long expected ambitions in life. Therefore, with or without this scholarship, I will not give up on achieving my college dreams, I just have to work harder to reach it.
Note that I just concentrated on delivering the information that will allow the reviewer to know that you have already considered your other possible education financing avenues, which is why I added the part about student loans in order to help complete your education. It is important that the reviewer knows that you are not relying on the scholarship alone for your future. This type of response will show your determination to succeed and enhance your chances at the scholarship. While your version of the essay sounds like you are wallowing in self pity, now you sound like a determined individual who believes that your future is in your hands, with or without the help of other people.
