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I feel sympathetic when I see the cancer patients; Career goal


IonKim 1 / -  
Dec 8, 2013   #1
Prompt: discuss your career goal (no words limit, but I prefer to be fewer than 300 words) This is my first draft, please feel free to give me any kind of critique.

After I started my high school life, I encountered different science classes such as biology, physics, and chemistry, in which chemistry is my favor. I felt so excited about the chemical reactions and atomic structure. I learned we cannot live without chemistry: shampoo, soda, drugs, toothpaste and all material in our houses are chemistry. Chemistry like penicillin saves people's lives and changes the world into the age of antibiotic. Chemistry can create a beautiful world. Thus, in the second year I was in the United States while my English is still so limited, I chose AP chemistry as my first AP class to learn more new knowledge of chemistry.

However, I also learned the downside of chemistry. I feel sympathetic when I see the cancer patients lose their hair and suffer nausea because of the co-effect of chemotherapy. I feel guilty when I read the emission of carbon dioxide causing global warming. I felt sorrowful when I hear the news that Melamine in milk causing kidney stone in infants. The negative effect of chemistry hurt my heart. Yet, I understand the way to solve chemistry problem is chemistry. Who is the problem solver? Chemical engineer. I want to become a chemical engineer who can improve and save people's live with chemistry. I look forward to innovating the current drugs with lower co-effect. I feel excited to explore new material can reduce damage on people.

I believe I can achieve my career goal with hard work and delication.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Dec 9, 2013   #2
After I started my high school life, I encountered different science classes such as biology, physics, and chemistry, in which chemistry is my favor. I felt so excited about the chemical reactions and atomic structure.

Chemistry was always my favorite subject throughout my high school career. I was excited about the chemical reactions and atomic structure.

I learned we cannot live without chemistry: shampoo, soda, drugs, toothpaste and all material in our houses are chemistry. Chemistry like penicillin saves people's lives and changes the world into the age of antibiotic

I learned that everything around us is chemistry, be it household material like shampoo, soda and toothpaste or medicines like penicillin that saves people's lives.
niesaysi 16 / 290 85  
Dec 23, 2013   #3
I learned we cannot live without chemistry: shampoo, soda, drugs, toothpaste, and all material in our houses are chemistry.

...goal with hard work and dedication.

After I started my high school life, I encountered different science classes such as biology, physics, and chemistry, in which chemistry is my favor. I felt so excited about the chemical reactions and atomic structure. I learned we cannot live without chemistry: shampoo, soda, drugs, toothpaste and all material in our houses are chemistry. Chemistry like penicillin saves people's lives and changes the world into the age of antibiotic. Chemistry can create a beautiful world. Thus, in the second year I was in the United States while my English is still so limited, I chose AP chemistry as my first AP class to learn more new knowledge of chemistry.

Repetition is not bad at all, for its one aim is to emphasize your point. However, if you improperly use it , that will only make the readers tired reading your paragraph. Try to count how many times you wrote the word "chemisrty" which I have highlighted above. Please minimize reiterating that word as much as possible. You can use pronoun "it" to replace it :)


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