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'Not just a financially disadvantaged girl from a middle class family' - scholarship


menukagrg 7 / 98  
Apr 1, 2012   #1
The word limit for the essay is 250 words.
According to the scholarship committee, getting a scholarship depends on academic merit, financial need and potential.
All types of comments (grammar, content) are welcomed obviously. This is my third draft. So i am pretty sure there is a lot to do here. Thanks in advance. :)

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Given the competition for scholarships, what qualities do I have that make me an outstanding applicant."
If you are an international applicant, please also address the development potential criteria and your intentions upon returning to your home country.

I am not just a financially disadvantaged girl from a middle class family, bearing an emotional story, eagerly aspiring to study abroad; I am strongly able. I am more prepared for my course of study, English Language and Linguistics, than many other students might possibly be regarding theirs. I might have been out of touch with school but I have continuously educated myself through online lectures and books. I have also been working hard as an English Language Instructor for almost two years. I am perfectly aware of my strengths as a teacher as well as my weaknesses. My ability to speak Nepali, Hindi, Gurung and English also makes me a worthy candidate to pursue Linguistics. I have been blessed enough to be familiar with Sanskrit and I regard myself amazingly lucky to be introduced to Basic Latin. All in all, I have the extra strength to thrive as a student. I know what lies ahead of me and I am capable to tackle it.

For a country succumbed to the perpetual political turmoil, not having linguistics as an area of study is of the least priority for Nepal. Therefore, I want to establish a multicultural language school where students from various rural areas will not only have the opportunity to learn English but also play a vital role through an inter-exchange language program. Nepal is culturally rich with mysterious tongues flowing through the hills and the valleys. I dream of giving it the continuity it needs and deserves.
smostofi12 2 / 6  
Apr 1, 2012   #2
wow 4 languages? amazing, i can barely speak one! ha

i have one thought, and I'm not sure how valid it is, but i have always been told to not focus on my negatives "i might have been out of touch with school" i would re word that to inform or make a statement in regards to being out of school. but to be out of touch i would let the scholarship committee determine that. i agree however with the idea of recognizing your weaknesses, but i would try and re word this so it doesn't sound as a negative reflection on you.

just some food for thought and i hope this helps

I really like your conclusion

and ps thanks for the help on mine, and for the kind words about my experience!
mnsstudbewerb 1 / 6  
Apr 2, 2012   #3
hi, some suggestions :

"..eagerly aspired to study abroad...."

"I am strongly able to ???? " ---> able to what ??

"..I am much prepared for ..."

for "regarding theirs" i am thinking to remove it, but I am not sure about it

good luck
BonoStory 1 / 1  
Apr 2, 2012   #4
wow,your english is so amazing.

how I wish I can write good essays like you :)

anyway,the second essay is stronger than the first one, because i think the first one is mainly focus on your capabilty compared to the second essay in which you include your father's condition.

Good Luck --> for both your scholarship and your dream to open up a multicultural language school :D
OP menukagrg 7 / 98  
Apr 2, 2012   #5
Aww, thank you. I do need to improve my writing as well. I wrote the second one because i wasn't aware of the word limit.

Good luck with yours too! :)
smostofi12 2 / 6  
Apr 3, 2012   #6
First of all i am totally in captured in your intro, it is amazing and a far greater improvement than the first essay. my only suggestion in regards to your intro is to reword this sentence For him, the letter bore an ugly reminder of the time I dropped out from college due to the financial meltdown that followed after his retirement; Arthritis had forced him to give up his job. I understand completely what you are trying to say so you might not need to change it, but i feel as though it can be explained or written better

I am not just one of the many financially disadvantaged students from a middle class family, aspiring to go to a university. I have the extra drive and passion to succeed in my degree. i would actually make this one sentance... and combine it with the next sentence starting with

which allowed me to be more prepared and knowledgeable about my course of study (this helps you not sound too pompous), English Language and Linguistics, than others might be regarding theirs. I was not unsure while choosing work before school, knowing how it would benefit me and I am not reticent now to start school, realizing its utmost importance (. why is this important?) have been working as an ESL instructor for almost two years now. I know my strengths as a teacher and am well aware of my weaknesses and the need to improve them. Not only English, I can fluently read, write and speak Nepali, Gurung and Hindi, making me a well deserving student to pursue Linguistics. I was blessed enough to be born in an environment with strong ties with Sanskrit as well as count myself lucky to be introduced to Latin later in life. Language and its mechanism in and with the society have always kept me intrigued. I just want to learn more. maybe " re word

My dream project is to establish a multicultural language school with exchange programs where students will not only have the opportunity to learn English for modern day needs but also share their own language with interested students. There are numerous small yet culturally rich languages, alongside with Gurung, on the brink of extinction. So, the programs' main focus will be to provide continuity to those languages through new speakers of the tongue. I want to initiate awareness towards language extinction and stir a much needed interest in the carelessly neglected linguistics field of our country. Hence, I plan to turn this idea into reality one day.

overall i like it, definitely encompasses my emotions which i think is important not only in writing an essay, but one were u get money for it ha

goodluck!
OP menukagrg 7 / 98  
Apr 4, 2012   #7
Okay, cool. I will work on those sentences. Care to check it out later after i edit it?
Thank you so much.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Apr 4, 2012   #8
For him, the letter bore an ugly reminder of the time I dropped out from college due to the financial meltdown that followed after his retirement;

I was not unsure whilequite sure in my decision of choosing work before school, knowing how it would benefit me and I am not reticent now to start school, realizing its utmost importance.

I know my strengths as a teacher and am well aware of my weaknesses and the need to improve upon them.
Not only In addition to English, I can fluently read, write and speak Nepali, Gurung and Hindi,... Language and its mechanism in and withof the society have always kept me intrigued.

My dream project is to establish a multicultural language school with exchange programs where students will not only have the opportunity to learn English for modern day needs but also share their own language with interested students.(Note: This is inspiring and I love it.)

I made some minor revisions which I hope are helpful and I wish you the best of luck in your inspiring and powerful plans. I hope they come to fruition :) Good luck
OP menukagrg 7 / 98  
Apr 5, 2012   #9
Sorry, typing mistake. I know it should be "when i chose".
tehfunkicookie 19 / 50  
Apr 7, 2012   #10
hey menukagrg!

I'm not a big grammar nazi so I'm gonna just point out several of my opinions

Overall, it is a terrific essay. I think the idea you bring in for your dad in the beginning paragraph does catch the readers. The word choice and overall flow of the essay was great.

Just one thing to point out is that for me, I don't like repeeating my sentences with the same word. So in your second paragraph you have :

I am not just one of the many financially disadvantaged students from a middle class family, aspiring to go to a university; I have the extra drive and passion to succeed in my degree. I am more prepared and knowledgeable about my course of study, English Language and Linguistics, than a lot of others might be regarding theirs. I was very confident when I choose work before school, knowing how it would benefit me and I am definitely not reticent now to start school, realizing its utmost importance in shaping my future. I have been working as an ESL instructor for almost two years now. I know my strengths as a teacher and am well aware of my weaknesses.

The "I" you usually start out with, maybe you can switch it up a little bit, but its not a MAJOR fix or switch, but thats just my opinion.

But still overall, a winning essay =)
OP menukagrg 7 / 98  
Apr 7, 2012   #11
Thank you for your feedback. :)

I do get what you are trying to say regarding the use of "I". With the "I", I was trying to get the confident vibe since the question asks "what qualities do I have that make me an outstanding applicant?" I thought it would kinda give the strong vibe to the scholarship committee. Do you think it sounds a little too much, too over confident (which i am not)?

Thanks again. I really appreciate it.
kimuratakuya 10 / 32  
Apr 8, 2012   #12
Personally, I think your most enchanting point is your amzing language abilities. Perhaps it is better for you to focus more on it using a specific example, which can help illustrate why you are aspired to languages , why you have excel at them,and how do you use such amazing capability in your life.

I also propose that you can make a slight change in the narration about your experience with your father. You can add some of your feeling toward your father. You apply to the university, not your father.

My last suggestion is that rather than giving multiple points, you should probably focus on your most enchanting feature. Try to make the feature strong enough to impress anyone.

Good luck for your application.
OP menukagrg 7 / 98  
Apr 8, 2012   #13
Roger that! :) Thank you for your feedback.

Well, i didn't write more about my love for language because the degree i applied to is English Language and Linguistics. So i have to mention a little bit about the English language as well. Plus, the word limit is 400 so i feel as if that's the most i can do with both of them. I also have to have the last paragraph. I think the first paragraph could be taken out, but i really want to portray my financial situation. I would have loved to add more feeling towards my father but again, the word limit sucks.

So after this "insight", do you think the essay works out nicely? Or do you still standby your comment? I want to do the best i can do with this essay so everyone's comments are really appreciated.

Thanks again. :)
kimuratakuya 10 / 32  
Apr 9, 2012   #14
i suggest you make some elimination in the part describing your financial situation.One or two short sentence will be ok if you want to indicate yor problem.

Thus, you can add some details about your ESL experience, as it is really a commendable experience.
Good luck. You are excellent.
OP menukagrg 7 / 98  
Apr 10, 2012   #15
Thank you very much. I will see how i can rewrite it. :)
anita123 3 / 6  
Apr 15, 2012   #16
The beginning just needs a little touch such as disregarding the negatives and try to word it in a way of how it helped you learn a lesson or such. Otherwise I really like how you introduced your knowledge to four different languages (DOUBLE WOW) and how you concluded your essay. Nicely done ! And good luck !


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