It is for a scholarship. It is about the factor "The Iron Man - A race" in answer to the question: List and describe three unique factors that have most shaped who you are
I would definitely attribute my athletic ability to the passion that possessed my ten year old self to finish the iron man. This rigorous race, which includes a one mile run, a lap row around a lake, a quarter mile swim, and then an archery challenge, was the boy scouts ultimate test of endurance and strength. One in which I came last two years in a row. The support of my troop members helped me see the race through each time and strengthened my resolve to push beyond my comfort zone and complete what I start, no matter what.
What do you think?
I feel that this is a really good response to the prompt. I especially liked the examples, and how you tied in the prompt into your ending sentence (in other words, how it affected who your way of being). Perhaps you could include a few more examples of how the race improved your athletic ability--so as to make your response to the prompt a little more concrete. But I understand the pesky 100 word limit, so I know that you can't include too much.
I wish you luck, fellow College Prep applicant! :)
-Martin.
Edit: I forgot to tell you, in line two "was the boy scouts ultimate test of endurance and strength", boy scouts is being used as a possession. Therefore, it has to be changed to "boy scouts's" to show singular possession. I think that's the technicality behind it :P.
Thank you! I will try to apply the changes you suggested.
I have come up with two more, are these okay?
Blender 3d
Every since that faithful night in eighth grade, when I downloaded Blender 4.47 to use to complete my English project about The Outsiders, I have grown to explore and experiment with the ever expanding world of computer technology. Each passing summer found me diving deeper into animation, digital art, and even website and computer coding, all to satisfy my assiduous thirst to create visually pleasing products and applications that make for a more convenient world. Even though my skills in Blender still have a ways to go, the experiences it brought will always keep me pursuing knowledge that interests me.
The Bible
As a son of a pastor and a devote mother, the Bible has been the cornerstone of my literary life. In fact, I grew up reading the Revised Standard Version almost every day. Its complex sentence structure and phrases became familiar with me at a very young age. As for what it preached, that too played a key role in my life. I have learned a lot of valuable life lessons from the Bible, and reading it has given me a craze to examine classic writings like the Iliad and Huck Finn, and delve into their unique styles of text.
I am glad to help you with your essays. :)
My corrections:
Blender 3d
EveryEver since that faithful night in eighth grade, when I downloaded Blender 4.47 to use to complete my English project about The Outsiders, I have grown to explore and experiment with the ever expanding world of computer technology. Each passing summer found me diving deeper into animation, digital art, and even website and computer coding, all to satisfy my assiduous thirst to create visually pleasing products and applications that make for a more convenient world. Even though my skills in Blender still have a ways to go, the experiences it brought will always keep me pursuing knowledge that interests me.
I corrected the beginning of your essay (Every to Ever). I deleted to use at is it seemed rather redundant; stating that you completed your English project with the software implies that you used it to complete the project. I italicized that part of your first sentence to suggest a different choice of words. Perhaps, instead of "I have grown to explore and experiment with the ever expanding world of computer technology, you should write something like " I grew fond of exploring and experimenting with the ever expanding world of computer technology." Besides that, your essay is up to par. Good job mate! :D
The Bible
As a son of a pastor and a devotedevoted mother, the Bible has been the cornerstone of my literary life. In fact, I grew up reading the Revised Standard Version almost every day. Its complex sentence structure and phrases became familiar with me at a very young age. As for what it preached, that too played a key role in my life. I have learned a lot of valuable life lessons from the Bible, and reading it has given me a craze to examine classic writings like the Iliad and Huck Finn, and delve into their unique styles of text.
Corrections: devote to devoted. I italicized suggest that you attempt to present the reader a more excited tone. For example, "My fascination for the Bible brought me into reading the Revised Standard Version almost everyday." I also italicized "Huck Finn" to suggest that you expand it to its full name, "Huckleberry Finn", so that there will be no ambiguity with any readers. But this suggestion is optional; it is up to your choosing :)
I personality feel that this last response is perhaps somewhat limited. You might want to try to describe to the reader how the new phrases encountered on this text improved your understanding English Composition as a child; or what implications the teachings of the Revised Standard Version had on your life. Those are just some suggestions. I do appreciate how you brought in how reading the Bible influenced your choices in your readings! Now keep up the good work.
And good luck :D
-Martin
Thank you so much Martin!
Your suggestions have really helped me. Good Luck :D
