Hey all, I have to write a 1 page personal statement for a scholarship application at the University of New Orleans. The prompt is: describe my goals and future plans. I need a little help with editing and I'm wondering if what I wrote answers the prompt. I feel like I'm focusing too much on my career goals when I should be focusing on other topics in my essay also. Does my essay sound more analytical than passionate? What do you guys think?
Flashing lights. Tangled bodies. Room shaking. Bass blaring. Sweet intoxication. Broken affairs. New connections. Simply put, a transcending experience I hope to offer my patrons when I open my nightclub, Club Rheia. While my classmates were dreaming about becoming doctors who save lives or professors who enrich students' minds, my dream has always been to create a place where people can leave the real world for a pocket of time and just enjoy the beauty of being alive. But while I may paint a dream about beautiful people in beautiful surroundings, I understand the reality of running a nightclub has less to do with glamour and more to do with blood, sweat, and tears. Specifically, my blood, sweat, and tears. It will require dedication, intelligence, attitude, knowledge, and especially, passion. A passion to serve people and help them experience an unforgettable moment. I decided I wanted to open a nightclub because I love the creativity and energy needed to create a place that people can escape to. And while I can express my creativity in the food, drink, or experience I provide, I can also satisfy my analytical mind while developing marketing strategies or managing inventory and orders. But before I can achieve my dream of opening a nightclub, I have many goals to accomplish first.
My first goal is to gain extensive knowledge about the hospitality industry from UNO's industry experienced professors while pursuing my MS in hospitality and tourism management degree. With this degree I will learn how to plan, develop, and market tourist destinations, gain a global knowledge of the hospitality industry, learn how to financially manage a business, and most importantly, learn how to become a leader who is able to adapt to any complex changing environment and handle the management and operational problems that are always found in the hospitality industry. With this knowledge and my previous work experiences, I will then attain an internship as a hotel food and beverage management intern, with the end goal of becoming an f&b manager at that hotel. This goal is critical to my future plans because I will later be able to transfer the skills and knowledge I learn from this position to become an f&b manager at a nightclub; and while in this position I will learn what it takes to create a successful nightclub. My goal is to open my nightclub 4 years after I graduate from UNO.
Other goals of mine are to study abroad and visit different countries over the next few years and these goals will benefit me both academically and professionally. The hospitality world is becoming more globalized by the second, so having experience internationally will help me professionally because I will develop strong cross-cultural communication skills and an understanding of diverse cultures and people. It will benefit me academically because it will extend my knowledge and give me a different perspective about the hospitality industry. Also, my goal in life has never been to simply open 1 nightclub, but rather, various nightclubs within the US and internationally. By visiting different countries early in my career, I will have the chance and time to plan and develop future business plans.
Now many would assume opening nightclubs would be the end of my journey, but over the years I've realized that learning is a process that never ends. Which is why after I open my first nightclub, my next goal is to get my MBA with a concentration in marketing. Marketing is critical in the success of any hospitality organization and with my degree, I will find innovative ways to make my business and future businesses stay successful. In the end, how successful I am in my plans all depends on how dedicated and prepared I am for the future, and it all begins at the University of New Orleans.
Rather than going into such detailed career progression discussion in this essay as part of your career goals, why not just tell the admissions officer what you ultimate goal is and discuss how you plan to achieve that? There is no sense in giving a blow by blow account of your career goals because there is always an ultimate goal that you are targeting. That is what you should discuss because it directly relates to your future plans. Tie in the two within a 2 paragraph discussion which discusses each part individually and then concludes with the story about your dream club. Tell us how your education will have helped you set up this unique club. I don't advice that you discuss a set career path for yourself because you may or may not follow that pattern leading up to your ultimate goal. Don't paint yourself into a corner. Just tell the admissions officer about the ultimate goal and make sure that you fully discuss it as a part of your career plan. Your passion is clear, it just need to be focused and the topic narrowed down for easier reading by the admissions officer.
Thank you for the help Vangiespen! I thought about what you said and agree I shouldn't discuss a set career path. But what exactly do you mean by ultimate goal? To me my ultimate goal is to open a nightclub and a hotel, which is the same as my career goals. So I'm not really sure what you meant when you said "Tie in the two within a 2 paragraph discussion which discusses each part individually and then concludes with the story about your dream club." Would you be able to explain that further?
Also, I decided to write about personal goals that also connect to my future career, such as studying abroad to learn more about the hospitality industry. Is this a good idea or will this make my essay less focused? And I also decided to discuss a bit more about my education and how it will help me in my career.
Once you try to discuss more than one topic pertaining to the central theme of the paper, expect the paper to not only get confusing, but also deviate from the prompt. Your current essay is right on the mark in terms of discussing your career / ultimate goal. Don't muddle the issue by offering information that is not necessary to the further development of the essay. That said, I really believe that the essay will lose further focus if you introduce your studying abroad. With regards to your personal and educational goals however, it just might work to tie in with your career goal. I guess I will have to read how you plan to approach integrating that topic into your essay before I can accurately judge whether its addition will help or damage your essay. Try to write that into your next version of the essay and I will review it for you. I'll give you an honest opinion about how it blended with the essay.
I rewrote my personal statement and I feel like it's more focused now because I tried to show how all my goals connect to my future plans. But I kind of feel like I'm missing some really important stuff that I had in my previous version. For example, I didn't write about how I understood how unsuccessful my plans could be but I have a backup plan to protect me. I feel like that would have showed readers that I don't think running a business will be easy and that I am prepared for my future. I wanted to add that but I didn't have enough space =[ anyways, I'd like your honest opinion on what you think about the new personal statement! Also, do you think I should be more formal in my writing?
PERSONAL STATEMENT: Please type a one-page statement describing your goals and future plans.
The tone of voice that your future plans essay must have is one of self-confidence and a conviction that your goals and future plans will not fail. We are talking about your dream career and life in this essay. You need to come across as self-assured and unwavering in your beliefs in order to pull off this kind of essay. There is no room for Plan B because the essay specifically asks you to describe your future career goals and plans. All of which require a Plan A type of setting. That is why there is a limitation on the word count. As a college student, you are going after your great dreams for your personal and career success. Nothing should deter you from that. That is the sole focus of the essay. Don't let your self doubt allow the admissions officer to question if you have what it takes to complete the course. Determination is the key factor that should be the driving force behind your essay. Right now, your current version embodies all of these requirements. Save for some grammatical and sentence structure issues that need to be corrected, the overall essay is ready for use in my opinion.
Your right, I never thought about it that way! Thank you so much for all your help Vangiespen! I feel much more confident about my personal statement and my chances at getting the scholarship now! =D
